Introversion Vs. Extraversion

Throughout my childhood, I was painfully shy, and it has impacted my life. So I thought that I would dedicate a blog entry to this topic. I am soft and shy on the outside and emotional and passionate on the inside. Since I was naturally shy from the beginning, I now embrace my shy side and want to always maintain it. 

I have been the same throughout my life, very shy until you get to know me. My classmates always thought of me as shy and the girl that never talked, but my family thought of me as active and feisty. I remember my brother laughing when I said that I am quiet. I go from Little Miss Shy to Little Miss Chatterbox in my interactions. Once you get to know me, I will not shut up! That is because I am an expressive person by nature. I do not repress my feelings and thoughts.

In my childhood, I had a very hard time making friends being so painfully shy. I can count the number of friends I had in school on one hand. So it was very hard for me in school. I missed out on a lot of fun, like birthday parties, get-togethers, and proms. I kind of regret that in a sense. However, in the end, everything worked out the way it should. 

In my adulthood, I have been good at making friends with just the people that I like. With these friends, I have been very expressive and chatty. I do not think that they could see me as being shy. Corresponding to the introvert, I prefer to keep a select group of close friends--that I am chatty and expressive with. 

I have learned that being shy and outgoing are different from being introverted and extroverted. Introversion consists of being focused on one's own mental or inner life and preferring solitary activities or activities with a small, select group of individuals. Extroversion consists of looking for harmony outside one's self. Extroverts enjoy being around people and in social situations. Ambiversion is the intermediary between extroversion and introversion. Shyness concerns being self-conscious, with a result in mind. As a perfectionist, I am very focused on the result and thus shy. People tell me that I am very self-conscious interacting with people--that is with people other than my friends. 
I have qualities of both introversion and extroversion in my horoscope chart. My chart says that I am very sensitive, but very public with my sensitivity and that my feelings can never truly be concealed. I have an interesting mix of sun in Leo, signaling extroversion and expression and moon in Cancer, signaling introversion and sensitivity.
It is interesting to evaluate that shy people are often gifted with creativity. I think that is because they are often sensitive or suppress their feelings in real life, but express those feelings in art. Shy people often make good writers as well as actors. I have always been drawn to both fields. As you can see through this blog, I enjoy writing and blogging. It has been said that introverted people make good bloggers. People also tell me that I am more comfortable on stage than in daily interactions. 
I also have a side of me that likes to be the center of attention and wants to be the star, as my friend, Carly rightfully says. I am working to express that in my acting persona. 
I also have a desire for soulful intimate bonding with select individuals. It was very interesting the way that a friend of mine told me that he found that it is usually introverted people that frequently think of soulmates.
I would like to end by stating that I would like to embrace all my shyness, introversion, expressiveness, and need to be the center of attention for the sake of my real life and artistic persona. 

Lulu

I had written about Lulu in my earlier blog entry about friendship. Lulu is the alias that I gave one friend that I used to have, that was my strongest friendship up till then. 
When I met Lulu, we nearly instantly became best friends. She really admired everything about me, and I also really liked everything about her. I really understood what friendship was about when I met her. I had a giving nature for her and wanted the best for her, which I had never had with a friend before. 
Lulu and I had so much in common. We both loved English Literature, creative writing, acting, dancing, and all other forms of art. We were both soft and shy on the outside and emotional and passionate on the inside. We both had pasts that were tainted by being bullied by lousy people. We were both classic romantics at heart. We both were great animal lovers. We took solace in animals, being introverted with human beings. 
Since Lulu admired me so much, it really brought up my self esteem. My Mom said that we cannot thank Lulu enough for bringing up my self esteem. 
I was so flattered that Lulu liked me so much. She was my platonic soulmate. I would tell her that I hoped that my future husband would be as enamored by my every move as she. 
I truly loved Lulu more than I had ever loved anyone in my whole life. She was my primary passion in my life. I felt like I was born to be her friend.
I was always at ease when talking to Lulu. I was more comfortable with her than I have been with anyone else. I came to her in moments of catharsis, trusting her with things I would never trust anyone else with. 
The first year that we were friends, we were in constant communication. However, after that, she was not in as much communication with me or as available. I thought it was because she was busy, but that she held onto me as a priority and still cared for me. She said that everyone got mad at her for not being available and thought I would be, too. 
Six years into our friendship, we got into an argument over something, and she did something to me that was unmerited and I thought out of line. I felt like our relationship was scarred after that. I brought it up a year later, and we got into another heated argument. She revealed to me then that she only truly cared for her parents and her pets, that she did not need anyone. She said that she thought I wanted someone that was always available for me and that I merit that, but she did not think it was in her nature or comfort zone to be like that with anyone. I felt really bad then because I truly cared for her more than I have ever cared for anyone in my life. I felt like I was naïve and a fool to have trusted that she also cared for me. I also felt like a fool to not have seen through the signals that she was not available that she did not truly care for me. She also revealed then that there were unpalatable moments in our friendship, which made me wonder whether she ever really cared for me at all. I really do not like that friendship is taken for granted, and only family and lovers are valued. 
Then later we had a falling-out a month later. I realized then that she had been judging me for saying things that I trusted her with in my vulnerable moments of catharsis. I felt really foolish to have trusted her with all that. 
A friend that I had earlier in my life told me that I was too trusting and that I should not trust anyone in the world. She said that everyone is fake, except for family. I did not agree with her. However, after my experience with Lulu where she let me down, I really feel like I do not know whether I can trust anyone again.
I thought that it was good that I could give myself completely to someone, like I did with Lulu, that I could love and trust so much. I loved and trusted her without a second thought. However, now I am cautious whenever I make friends and do not know whether I should give myself to them completely or trust or love them completely (not knowing whether it can be reciprocated or will amount to anything). 
Lulu was right that I wanted a friendship, which was a priority, where both friends are always available for the other. I really would like for my friend to always be available for me to talk to and prompt in responding to phone calls and e-mails. 
I have not heard from Lulu since our falling-out over two years ago. I have e-mailed her a few times trying to patch up, but I have not heard from her since. I just e-mailed her yesterday after a very long time. It makes me sad to wonder whether I will ever hear from her again.
A part of me has moved on and made new friends since then. However, another part of me misses Lulu and feels left hanging. I really hope that someday Lulu can realize and value that I truly cared for her and loved her. 

Bullying

So far I have just written about topics that are agreeable to me as I want to maintain beauty and positivity on this blog. However, something reminded me of this heated, unpalatable topic some days ago so I decided that I would blog about it for the purpose of catharsis and educating the public about the parasites that are bullies. 
Throughout my childhood, I was bullied for no reason. Being very sensitive and not naturally self-confident, it had always impacted my life and hindered me from happiness and peace. Now that I have grown up, I have somewhat realized that other people do not have the power to hold me from my happiness and that I should just block them out and focus on the positive. However, I do have some moments of response to these past memories.
In elementary school, I was the target of several bullies, both male and female who went out of their way to try to make my life miserable. There was one delinquent boy whom everyone hated and avoided like the plague. It was really our misfortune that he was in our class, and we had to bear the brunt of his delinquency. I really wish that he had been kicked out of the school and put into a school for problem boys so that he would be helped and, more importantly, not be such a menace to our classroom and disruption to our peace. If I was a parent of one of the students, I would have ensured that he would have been taken out of the school and not rested until the authorities took the measures. As one rotten apple, he sure spoiled the whole batch! He and others under his gang made my life miserable to the extent that I switched schools for middle school. My friend later told me that she had come to know this delinquent at some point and that he had parents that were drug dealers. I know that since he was brought up to be screwed up and twisted and still a child and not able to judge for himself the right behavior to implement, his upbringing would be held accountable for his actions. However, since his behavior really impacted me, I still condemn his behavior and think that he should have been removed from a school for normal children of healthy upbringings for his own good and for the good of the children. He did not belong in such an environment with people at such impressionable, tender ages.
In middle school during sixth grade, I had to bear the brunt of being loyal and not taking the lead for bullying. I was first accepted into the inner circle. However, this girl who turned out to be a bully and the leader of the class told me to ditch these two outcast girls. I was unwavering in my decision to stand by them. What did I get in return? Bullying for the whole year! I was shocked when the two outcast girls joined in with the rest of them to bully me! They were actually accepted into the group once they joined in to bully me. I really cannot stand the injustice in the world. However, I have come to realize that none of those girls were worth it to be friends with for what they did to me and I was saved from a burden of falseness, disloyalty, and superficiality if I had been their friend.
In boarding school in eighth grade, once again I was bullied by this gang of good-for-nothing boys who had no lives and did poorly in school. This boy, who was the leader, was a failure in academic performance, ended up doing something very shameful and vulgar, and everyone laughed at him so he really was in no position to make fun of me. He would stalk me every day by staring at me, laughing, and passing comments. He really had no business making fun of me since I did him no wrong! I saw him pay for his behavior later when his matron found out about all he did to me and beat him up in front of me and he was crying. I have to admit that at that moment, I felt sorry for him since the matron was brutal.
Then there were these other two delinquent boys in this school that I went to that were the parasites of our class. They were always there to pass rude, immature, crass comments to everyone, try to start fights with everyone, and instigate fights between people. They thought that they were popular, but everyone actually hated them for being like that, as several people voiced out loud. They were the most hated people in our class! They blamed their behavior on a supposedly tough life at home. However, that was no excuse for them since they had reached an age where they could understand the difference between right and wrong. And it is really irrational and immature to take out what someone has done to you on someone else! There was one time when one of them was being interviewed for something and when he saw that the interviewer was a girl that he made fun of, he was afraid that would be held against him. His interview actually ended up being successful. I really, really, really wish that that girl had held his behavior towards her against him and he had gotten rejected so that he had been punished for what he did and he had learned that there were consequences to his actions, instead of just thinking that it was right to keep on being a menace to society! It was so creepy the way that one of the guys stalked me by drawing a picture of me, the way that a three year-old would, and showing it to others. And the other guy stalked me by looking up my name on the Internet. TALK ABOUT STALKING!!!
It had been very hard for me to deal with bullying throughout school. If I tried to ignore the bullies, people would accuse me of being a doormat, which I hate. If I tried to defend myself, people would accuse me of being mean. I really think that people should work on ridding the world of the bullies, just as they do with all parasites. I think that everyone should stand up against those parasites and put them in their places in whatever way they can. If they just let the bullies slide thinking that they will eventually learn their lesson from someone, but that person should and would not be them, then imagine what the world would be like if the whole world thought that way. The bullies would never be punished for their actions and keep on bullying and possibly move on to victims that are helpless and have no means to defend themselves. So it is best to speak your mind against bullies for the good of the bullies, their potential future victims, and last but not least, you! 
It is very sad that there are bullying victims that have committed suicide. Children are very sensitive and impressionable and cannot understand that suicide is not the correct solution to bullying. I never even once contemplated suicide over bullying. Even though bullying was unpalatable to me, I was never devastated since I never cared for the bullies. It is only when someone I cared about hurt me that I would be devastated. 
I really think that bullies should all get therapy since they either have their own problems, which they are taking out on innocent people or they lack empathy--the beginning of sociopaths. 
I am really very glad that bullying is now officially declared a crime and is being enforced even in the most primary classes. I really wish that it was a crime when I was in school and that the people that bullied me went to jail. I think that I will do some volunteer work to help with bullying problems, as a former bullying victim.