Romance in Fiction

    I am writing this Blog-Entry on the Portrayal of Romance in Fiction: as per Jeanette's Recommendation-Request: 

    Society, at times, deems Fiction responsible for constructing unachievable standards for Real-Life Romance. Certainly, when I was a Child, I would wish for quite the Fairy-Tale Romance and could have been disappointed when Real-Life did not grant me all that I romanticized. 

    I enjoy Sir Edmund Spenser's Tableau of a healthy, fulfilling Romance in his Allegorical-Fairy-Tale, The Faerie Queene! On the surface, The Faerie Queene contains all the Magic and Supernatural-Elements of a Fairy-Tale. Nevertheless, when deciphering The Faerie Queene via the Allegorical-Lens, we find that Spenser offers to self-fashion the Reader into a healthy, fulfilling realistic Lover; as I trace in My Dissertation entitled, "The Inner Fairy: Reason and Imagination in The Faerie Queene and A Midsummer Night's Dream." 

    In a Nut-Shell: Spenser showcases that the human, Britomart, thus culminates her Identity as the Knight of Chastity. upon exploring Fairy-Land and encountering her Fairy-Twin- Doppelgängers: Belphoebe and Amoret; who respectively represent Platonic-Romance and Chaste and Fulfilling Married-Love! 

    Lately, I have been feeling that I have taken-on the Role of Britomart, Belphoebe, and Amoret in my Social-Life! For: Friends have often approached me for Romantic-Advice; and I have also offered Advice on a Romance Online-Forum. I am well-aware that I have had a Bookish-Perspective on Romance and even spelt-out that Reality to My Best-Friend when she approached me for Advice. 

    I truly appreciate the Romance between William Dobbin and Amelia Sedley in Vanity Fair, which is sub-titled, "The Novel without a Hero." I feel that that Sub-Title is sarcastic; as Dobbin really proves to be the true Hero of Vanity Fair! Dobbin has loved Amelia from Day-One, but wishes to respect her "love" for her husband, George Osborne, who is also his best friend; but a real superficial, disloyal chauvinist. I love how Becky Sharp actually does something right in the Ending by exposing George to Amelia for the dishonest philanderer that he is; and, henceforth, Amelia comes to embrace the genuine love for Dobbin that has built-up within her! For, Dobbin has provided the Solution to so many of her Problems; from initially going-forth with her elopement with George to regaining her Son to her up-bringing. 

    I enjoy the Romance between Adam Chandler and Brooke Alison English on the Soap-Opera, All My Children! The Couple exemplifies that a healthy and fulfilling Romance is realistic, rather than overromanticized. Brooke, rather than placing Adam on a pedestal, thoroughly knows Adam for who he is--in every Dimension; both the Good and the Bad; and perseveres in loving him. I like this Episode where her son, Jamie, and his friend, Maggie, have sex in Adam's limousine and so Adam reports them to the Police when he catches them in their indiscretion in his car. When Brooke arrives to pick-up Jamie from the Police-Station, Jamie claims that Adam called the Police on them since he found them sitting in his car. And Brooke knows Adam well enough to see-through Jamie's claim by vocalizing, "Adam would not call the police on you just for sitting in his car!" I really appreciate how Adam and Brooke are End-Game! Brooke knows Adam so well; that he can delve down the Dark-Side, but really has a Good-Heart! And it is rather interesting that Adam's Son, J.R. then attributes that Brooke is the Individual, who always evokes the Good-Heart in Adam! It also so happens that at that time, Adam was undergoing heart problems, which only Brooke knew about. So she worked side-by-side with the World-Renowned Cardiologist, David Hayward, to get Adam's heart working-again: on a *MULTIPLICITY* of Levels! 

   Sex and the City is quite the Cinematic-Portrayal of modern, everyday love. 

    It is evident that there are many outcomes that are extremely unlikely to occur in the Real-World. Carrie's Relationship with Mr. Big tops the list! I have realized that there is just an infinitesimal Probability that a Married-Man will end-up with the Other-Woman! 

    It is quite fascinating that so much of Sex and the City relies on embracing your flaws and Dark-Side in a Romantic-Relationship! For instance, Carrie has quite the *Meet-Cute* with Mr. Big--bumping-into-him and consequently dropping her pack of cigarettes and condoms. That *Meet-Cute* exemplifies that Carrie is not quite the conventional demure heroine. 

    I do appreciate how Sex and the City moralizes that Love is about appreciating both the strengths and weaknesses in the Other. It also portrays that an Individual often ends-up with the opposite of what she originally wished for. 

    Charlotte is the Girl, who wishes for a Fairy-Tale Romance with a Conventional Tall, Dark, and Handsome Knight-in-Shining-Armor. She does marry Trey, who she meets as her Knight-in-Shining-Armor, but ends-up not being able to coexist with her. Instead, her Marriage with Harry, who is the Opposite of all she wished-for, does end-up working-out. It is so very ironic that all with Harry is the Opposite of all Charlotte had scripted for her Marriage at the Beginning of the Series. Contrary to Charlotte's Rule to never immediately sleep with a Man she would marry, she sleeps with Harry immediately after meeting him for the First Time. And Harry does not fit the Physical-Appearance and Personality that Charlotte had dreamed of, but she falls in love with his Character! There is Voice-Over-Commentary that she may not have attained Romance, but she did attain Love. 

    Miranda, the Ultimate Feminist that often laughs at the Conventions of Romance and the Life that Nature and Society script for Women, gets pregnant by fluke by her Soulmate, Steve; after Steve had talked with her years ago about having a Child together. And Miranda certainly becomes a wonderful Mother and Wife: in that Order. 

    Samantha, who prides herself for being promiscuous, gets into a serious monogamous Partner-Ship with Jerrod Smith: whom she renames Smith Jerrod to turn him into an Entertainment-Star! I just now realized that Samantha does just what Charlotte had wished to do with Harry: reinvent Jerrod Smith! 

    Then Carrie, being the Heroine of Sex and the City, ends-up with all that a Girl--most of all Her-SELF--wishes for in Romance! As a Side-Note, accordingly, she is the only Main Girl in the Series to attain ALL that she was seeking and more. While at first, Mr. Big selects Natasha as a Wife, the Sexual-Chemistry between Mr. Big and Carrie turns-out to be undeniable and unavoidable to the point that it escalates into an Extra-Marital Affair! So Carrie is then playing the Role of the Other-Woman, and the affair ultimately destroys Mr. Big and Natasha's Marriage. And so it makes sense for Mr. Big and Carrie to be End-Game. I appreciate how Mr. Big writes Carrie Love-Letters at the Ending of the Sex and the City movie in order to win her back into Marriage; and how the Moral of the Sex and the City 2 Movie is to always make certain to never allow your marriage to get stale and boring. 

    I find that the Tele-Vision Show, Gossip Girl, celebrates the Over-Lap of the Fairy-Tale Romance with Real-Life Romance! That is my Ultimate Favorite Romance! Through-Out the Series: *Gossip Girl* provides Voice-Over Commentary on the way that Fairy-Tale Romance unfolds! 

    I love the Romance between the Super-Couples, Chuck and Blair and Dan and Serena in Gossip Girl! Chuck and Blair are truly the Male and Female Versions of One-Another! So Dark! I appreciate how the Song, "Wild Wolves,"  playing in the Back-Ground: exemplifying the Philosophy: "Some people have relationships we can never understand." Chuck and Blair are really One-with-the-Other viscerally through all Dimensions; both the Light and the Dark! They bring out both the Angel and Devil in One-Another accordingly: from the Burlesque-Prelude to their First Fling, it-Self! 

    Tee-Hee! I appreciate how lately Fiction has been portraying that when a Hetero-Sexual Individual finds the One, that Individual finds the Manifestation of the Opposite-Gender in Physical-Appearance! That is certainly the case with Chuck and Blair; both in Facial-Features and in Style! Chuck is quite the Posh Prep--wearing the cravat that is alluded to in "Barbara Song" as a materialization of Elite-Style! 

    I am very touched by the Romance between Dan and Serena! That Relation-Ship truly dimensionalizes through the course of the Tele-Vision Series! The Relation-Ship begins as a Romantic Manifestation of Dan's Fantasy with His Life-Long Crush in the First Season. I am impressed by how Gossip Girl exemplifies that the Placement of One's Lover on a Pedestal ultimately does the Relationship a disservice; as Serena opens-up to her Life-Long Best-Friends that as Dan places Her on a Pedestal, she is uncomfortable and petrified for him to find-out about her remorseful involvement in her fling's accidental death via drug overdose. Over the course of the Television-Series, Dan and Serena get to know the Other better than anybody else knows the Other! And then Serena thoroughly finds-out Dan's Character in the Series-Finale when he throws off his cover as the anonymous Gossip Girl! It is really very sweet that Serena functions as Dan's Muse; that he created this Beast of the Gossip Girl Blog all to win Serena's Love! Serena considers the duration of the Gossip Girl Blog as a Love-Letter! How very sweet! 

    Dan considers Serena the Princesse-Lointaine of His Fairy-Tale; especially when placing her on the Pedestal at the Beginning! Defined chiefly by her Unattainability! He certainly writes a Fairy-Tale Love-Letter, with Serena as His Princesse-Lointaine Muse, through the course of the Tele-Vision Show!

    It is rather interesting that at Dan and Serena's Wedding, Serena first makes her Appearance from the Top of the Stair-Case: allegorizing the way she is regularly placed on the Pedestal! Her descent through the stairs emblematizes how Serena is once-for-all level with Daniel Humphrey!  

*PHILOSOPHY-OF-ROMANCE!*

I have been contemplating and experimenting with my love life in the past two years. All-in-All: I am grateful for my attained experiential wisdom.

A year ago, I met this seeming promising guy, whom I will call, "Mauricio," through Match. After already initiating texting with him, I looked at his profile again to find that he had entered that he does not want children. So I asked him about that detail, and he replied that it so turns out that if he does meet the right woman, he would marry her and then have children if he finds it right. We met in person twice, and texted regularly. I started to grow attached, being that dating was new to me. After two months, during a conversation where my statement came across as too childlike, he told me that I am too childlike and innocent for him, though mature and wise, and that he does not see us in a relationship. He said that my trait of pouting-lips might be cute, but does not appeal to him. 

The end hit me like a storm only because the feeling of heartbreak was rusty to me, not having felt it in ten years. So I took my sweet time to overcome it; a few months. I did realize then that Mauricio and I have diametrically-opposed philosophies to love; so it was all for the best. I am always a True-Romantic at heart: very optimistic and yearning for the happily-ever-after of marriage and children. Mauricio, on the other hand, is really very cynical about love and relationships; due to his family upbringing and own past relationships. While I have a Poetically Magical Philosophy on Love, Mauricio has a scientific approach; as he knew the technical scientific terms for various stages of attraction. 

While dating Mauricio, itself, there existed the red-flag that he believed that every relationship has a beginning, a middle, and an end. As you can imagine, I have always believed in marriage as the endpoint with a romance. 

I finally overcame Mauricio when endeavoring to pursue this guy, whom I used to know, whom I will call, "Jack." I was overjoyed when he told me that Jack especially remembered me since he had wanted to make a move on me back then. I thought it was all going in the right direction. While I am still an inexperienced Virgin, I now would accept a guy, who is rather experienced; which Jack is. In fact, I told Jack that I would even prefer an experienced guy over a less experienced guy since that guy is well-aware of how to love me! Jack told me that, however, an experienced guy would wish for activity that I am not quite so comfortable with. 

Jack also said that since he and I are worlds apart in our experience, those differences would come out on additional levels if we were to commit to a relationship. 

However, I realized ultimately that Jack is at quite the sticky place with a past-love, and so it is best to steer-clear of him. 

My most recent Romantic-Prospect, whom I went on three dates with over the course of a few months, is one whom I will allocate the pseudonym, "Roland." Roland & I are so different in Inner & Outer-Lives: Philosophy, Nature, Romantic & Sexual-Experience, Interests, etc., etc.! I am an Artistic-Soul and work with English Literature & Dramatics. Roland, on-the-other-hand, is an Engineer. While I am the Software in Life, Roland is the Hardware! 

We have thus encountered several ups & downs in our interaction. I epiphanized that: in such a Scenario, we can either (A) set-up our differences for a Complementary-Relationship: *DISCORDIA-CONCORS*: or (B) part ways amicably. 

In-the-Beginning: I did not feel it could work-out, as I felt I could just click with somebody with at least several common-interests. However, Roland theoretically wished for somebody of different interests since he wished for that Complementary-Relationship. 

That is not to say that Roland has at all been more keen than I have been. In fact, at this point, it is the case that I had wished to advance into a Relationship, but Roland thinks that there are too many barriers for us to  proceed. Such as distance, the differences in our relationship-histories, etc. Oh, well. I figure that life will play-out as it is meant-to! 

As I wrote my dissertation on the magic, drama, and meta-art in love and romance, I am certainly one to optimistically believe that: *LOVE IS MAGIC*! Love is really very purifying and allows me to regain my innocence. 

The Phantom of my First-Love remains in my life, much-like Erik, the Phantom, in Phantom of the Opera. In fact, I should write an Opera on my First-Love! 

I philosophize that: Love makes the world go-round! Round-and-round like a horse-on-a-carousel! 

Hence, I love the merry-go-round metaphor! I need to ride the carousel again soon to obtain that original feeling of being spun-around. 

"Loving you is like a fairy-tale!" Oh, but love is always a fairy-tale! 

*Out of my dreams; and into a dream with you!* That is just what I wish of my lover! To share a sleeping-dream with me! On, the psychoanalytics of it! 

Now that I think of it: It is very telling that there is a circus and carousel in "Saga of Jenny" in the Cinematic-version of Lady in the Dark; a lucid-dream-sequence! I would love to research the psychoanalytics of a carousel! The "merry-go-round"! 

I have also come to realize that love can also be a trampoline; if you select to forever be a blind fool in love. 

I, instead, select the magic merry-go-round of LOVE and ROMANCE! The creatures on my merry-go-round are my lovers, my fictional love-interests, Romeo and Juliet, Robin Goodfellow, Titania, the characters in Love's Labour's Lost, the metafictional characters, Alice, the Mad-Hatter, Cinderella, Prince-Charming, Belle, the Beast, etc., etc., etc.! 

Henceforth: I know that: Once I decipher the *MELODY* & *HARMONY* of LOVE; I will attain that Happy-Ending I have always dreamed-of! I could do so by composing a Song on Love! 

In the End: I will always be that School-Girl, who is for gushy *ROMANCE*! And the right Lad for Me will embrace that! 

Epiphanizing During Mercury in Retrograde

This cycle of Mercury in retrograde has allowed me the chance to catharsize, self-reflect, and epiphanize. 
My good friend had directed me towards the idea that there is a lot more to me than I know about myself or show on the surface. 
I have been reflecting on a lot of happenings on my life with all that I have been undergoing through this astrological cycle. I have been utilizing the moments of non-rapport to consider how I feel at the receiving end of discomfort. 
I have come to realize that human nature (in every being) contains infinite qualities and perspectives on a spectrum. Every being has it in him/her the perspectives of perfectionism, egocentricism, humanism, etc. and the feelings and qualities that result from them. 
I honestly say that I have been in a vulnerable position while not being in the best of spirits and under the pressure to be on my best behavior. I will just react to it as the inevitable repercussions of the astrological cycle. 
I have been doing the best that I can in the vulnerable position of discomfort. I will now reflect on my association with my parents a few days ago. I was really doing the best that I could in my behavior and will give my parents the benefit of doing the same. I have come to understand that it is very hard to be on your best behavior when you are not in the best of spirits. 
I tried my best to tackle the cycle by creating space between me and others. My parents were going out to dinner to celebrate their anniversary from a few days ago. I was not in the mood to go so I told them, "I think that you both should go for a nice romantic dinner alone together." They said, "No, we want you with us." So I then said, "Okay, but I cannot guarantee that I can find it in me to be on my best behavior." They brought me along anyway. That was the start of a struggle of power dynamics. 
Throughout the trip, I deduct that they were under the pressure of their always ensuring my happiness. A friend of mine pointed out to me that a mother never wants to see her daughter unhappy. So I guess that they were under this pressure to ensure my happiness. 
Throughout the trip, I really struggled to bring out the best behavior in me that I could under all these circumstances. However, I found that often when I refused certain prospects, they would insist on them, so I conceded the second time of their request. At one point, I said to my Mom, "I would like some space when I get home." And she took it personally that I did not want to be around them. That brought me to the epiphany that people have moments, especially during vulnerability when they take  other people's words and behavior personally. That reminded me of another time with a friend that I sensed non-rapport between me and her. So I told her that I would go to another person's room for a moment. And she immediately reacted personally, "So you do not want to be around me?" 
On the trip with my parents, I really felt pushed to my limits. I said one thing once, and then when they continued in their behavior of comfort, I refrained from telling them, "Please respect my wishes," due to the fact that I had been on the receiving end of that comment from someone else at another point. That comment implicated to me then that I had not been respecting that person's wishes (another person that was then under the obstacle of a lack of peace of mind to be on his best behavior). However, I will reflect that in the trip with my parents, I really felt pushed to my limits. I did my very best to restrain my feelings and release them at the optimal time. 
That then got me around to understanding the behavior of my other friend during a moment of our non-rapport. During an argument on Facebook that we were having, she ended up blocking me out of frustration. I perceive blocking your best friend as out-of-the-line and the height of insult. However, she did not take or mean for blocking to be as bad as I did. She immediately unblocked me and reconnected on Facebook. However, that incident caused a then dent in our relationship for me. I brought it up to her another time. All that she told me then to explain the situation now makes perfect sense to me. I now understand on my end and possibly on her end why the situation then ended up as it is. 
I had earlier naively fantasized and truly believed that my friend and I were one-and-the-same; twin souls. I would express my love to her without reservation. So I tended to take liberties with her, as we tend to do with people that we have a certain level of comfort with. In taking liberties, I poured out my thoughts to her all the time, went to her all the time, and also had no qualms in asking her any questions about her personal life that I wanted to know about. I will give her credit for putting up with me throughout all the liberties that I took with her. 
My friend told me a lot of points then when I approached her to try to mend(?) the blocking incident, and I now can make perfect sense of them. The gist of what she told me is, "We are not one and the same, although that would really be great. So there will be difference between us. I blocked you because you were pushing my limits, and I felt very insulted. When someone reaches a limit, examine your prodding. Since I do not show you discomfort in our moments of non-rapport, which is nobody's fault. you get angry when I do vocalize. You have your ego, and I have mine. There are two sides to this matter; complexity, rather than a right and wrong answer." Then I continued to badger her into an apology. I now realize that she was actually right, at least in the above statement. I can at least see and own up to the fact that on my end, my behavior was due to the clash between my fantasy world and the real world, egocentrism, and perfectionism within my nature. I really perceived her and me as one and the same, as I mentioned and did the best that I could in everything, out of my natural desire to be perfect. Then my ego was pricked when a flaw was pointed out to me so I tried to defend my ego by trying to demand that I am in the right. So I unintentionally tried to make a slave out of her by pressuring her/pushing her into a corner for an apology. I need to reach peace with the fact that as hard as I try to be perfect, a world different from my ideal world will materialize; that I am bound to make mistakes, which I can use as lessons. I had the feeling that I can see both sides to have when in a fight: that I am the only one that is putting in her best behavior and trying to watch out for the other person in every way, but the other person still does not treat me the way that I want. That is what every human being will claim when in an argument or moment of difference. While settling a difference, each party tries to both watch out for himself/herself and also respect the other person's wishes. Whatever the case, it is also good to be point out differences that arise in a relationship no matter the inevitable repercussions in the prick of the ego. Someone told me that we never mean to hurt another's feelings, and that even when we do hurt that friend's feelings, it will be an indicator of the solidity of the relationship if the friendship survives it or not. I believe that everything will work out the way that it is meant to. 
I will take away from the incident with my friend: 1. I should separate the boundary between the fantasy and real world; 2. I should never take an excess of liberties with anyone, no matter the closeness of the relationship; 3. I should pay respect to the egos of both sides when settling a difference, even when I do not completely understand the other person's side. I have come to realize that I learn best through personal experience from both sides. 
It is quite common to become defensive when someone points out differences and express this defense in trying to validate yourself, which often entails invalidating the other person. 
I have also realized that when we demand an apology from the other and/or desist from forgiving him/her, it is usually because we have some subconscious awareness within that we may have been wrong in the relationship in some way. So we may want to deflect that onto the wrongness of the other. That is a defense mechanism. However, I now understand that forgiveness is more about finding peace with yourself as the victim, rather than absolving the perpetrator. 
I have been the type of person that has always wanted to have the last word in every matter by putting the other in their place. Sometimes I think over the matter later or put down the person to my friends to satisfy my ego. However, now I am starting to find peace with this need. 
I do not take constructive criticism well, which is a matter with everyone I am sure. A teacher once reprimanded me for some behavior, and then I took my time to sulk over the matter in my head, engrossed in this vulnerability. Or when a friend points out a difference or flaw, I can become defensive or take moments of silence to heal. Another reaction of mine had been earlier to apologize ad nauseam, which now I realize is pressuring the other person into forgiving me. Now I think the optimal behavior would be to apologize once and give the other person time and space to forgive me, while taking that time and space to forgive myself. I realize that we should forgive ourselves, most importantly, for our shortcomings, and that we request forgiveness from others as a means of validation from the outside. 
There was one incident with two friends, when I meant to praise one friend, but I very unintentionally hurt her feelings. I felt so bad when I hurt her feelings that I apologized non-stop and begged her not to cry (to defend my ego and repercussions of my insensitivity). That poor friend turned to the other friend for validation, which he graciously gave her and gave me the valuable advice, "Padmini, you should watch what you say." My friend took it very graciously and said, "Yes, I know that you did not mean it. I will be okay." Everything worked out the way it was meant to be when I gave her the space that I then gave her. She put it behind her. I know that it was best to have given her space, as the natural human reaction is to have a negative attitude towards someone that said something disconcerting and avoid that person. 
I have also come to realize that the majority of people take advantage of others, whether unintentionally or intentionally. There are times when people unintentionally use others as a convenience to satisfy their needs, when they see that the person is being gracious and polite. Friends have pointed out to me moments when others have stepped over me. However, I have come to realize that I have done the same to others unintentionally. For example, as a callow college freshman, I requested this nice guy to tutor me. Then since he was so nice, I kept on asking him every question I had regarding college that night that he tutored me. I should have been more sensitive and considerate to realize that I was pushing his limits. I later found that he blogged about his honest feelings about the tutoring session in his blog. I took it personally and judged him to be talking behind my back and fake. However, now I realize that he was keeping up his need to be polite and had every right to use his blog as a vehicle for catharsis. He wrote something along the lines, "This girl approached me for tutoring, and being the nice guy that I always am, I caved in. By the end of the session, my patience was wearing thin with each asinine question that she asked." I now have found peace with the matter and come to realize that I can learn from the incident to watch out the next time that I subconsciously perceive another nice, polite person as a convenient way to fulfill my self-serving needs and desires. I thank that guy for this lesson. 
I will now come to discuss the times that the evil side of human nature comes out in intentionally pushing the limits of others by testing their own limits. In bullying, other people tend to test how far they can go with the victim by continuing to push their buttons. I have blogged earlier that I have been the target of bullying. I never realized until today that I have unknowingly been a bully myself, which I apologize for. There was this person whom I did not have good rapport with so I disliked him excessively at that point. However, he treated me graciously always so I came to assume that he liked me a lot. I really was not at peace with the fact that others whom I liked so much did not reciprocate my feelings, while others whom I hated seemed to like me. I was mad and cursing out my fate. I brutally coped with this situation by being very mean to this person to pressure him into disliking me. My Mom told me, "Instead of aggressively pursuing someone disliking you, why don't you aggressively pursue someone liking you? Someone disliking you; that you leave to God." I now realize that I was so illogically and irrationally testing the limits of that person and bullying him; taking him to be a punching bag, rather than a human being with feelings. I really repent that and hope that I will treat every single person with compassion from now onwards, no matter the non-rapport between us. 

Metafictional Romance

Metafiction plays an important role in life and particularly in love. My dissertation dealt with the matter of the way in which people look to stories on living out their lives. I will thus discuss the way in which fiction/imagination influences love. 

I have been thinking for the past few days on past "loves" of my life and pondering over the way in which I fell under their spell. 

There was this cute little boy in the second grade, whom I had a crush on, based partly on a decision I made to have a crush on him. He was so very adorable, with black hair and a curl at the back of his head. I had fun in my crush on him throughout the year. I would tell my family every day about whatever interactions I had with him. I remember that one day, my Dad even told me a story about him! There was also this time during recess when we were playing the jump rope game, "Down by the valley, where the green grass grows." When it was my turn to jump rope, I was so excited to find out the boy that they would name to "come and kiss Padmini on the cheek." I was really hoping that that boy would be the one that I liked. Unfortunately, the bell rang for the end of recess, before they could name a boy for me...

Another metafictional romance for me was during the eighth grade in boarding school in India. I had come from one world in the United States where tweens dated for a day and then split to a world in India in which boys and girls did not even talk to each other. However, their form of romancing was fictitiously pairing a boy with one girl and teasing them about their "romance." I had a guilty pleasure in that game! At first, people told me, "You're so lucky that no one is teasing you, Padmini." I actually felt quite unfortunate since I would love to feel the butterflies and sparks from being teased! I was then delighted when people started to tease me with the very boy that I crushed on!

I was quite surprised to find that when I came back to high school in the United States, my classmates there--in the US, at that!--started up the game for me. One guy in my class and I were teased together for supposedly "liking" each other. I do not have much of an idea of where that came from. Regardless, I just loved being teased with that guy. I would act on the outside that I hated it, but was actually thrilled & chilled on the inside! It was the highlight of my high school days. 

Then there was another guy who was everything that I dreamed of. The more that I got to know him, the more that I found that he was everything that I dreamed of, which built up my love for him. Just like me, he wished that life could be like fiction and was always living in a fantasy world! He & I would have deep, poetic conversations on specific fiction and comparisons of our lives to that fiction. 

In one acting workshop that I attended, I had a scene partner with whom I did several romantic scenes. It actually turns out that in acting, you really have to feel the emotions that you enact, rather than faking them. So I eventually got to feeling real feelings for this guy through the scenes that we enacted together. I eventually got past that, however. Thank God!

I was having a discussion with someone who mentioned that she thinks that actors should not marry because of these complications that arise when blurring the boundary between life and art. I hope, however, to overcome those complications to do the right thing at the right time. 

There are also wonderful examples in fiction of metafictional love turning into real love. In Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare, two "enemies," Benedick and Beatrice fall in love with one another when they are manipulated to think that the other is in love with them. In La Princesse Lointaine by Edmond Rostand, Jaufre Rudel falls in love with the Oriental princess, Melissinde, when he hears descriptions of her in poetry. In The Faerie Queene by Edmund Spenser, Britomart falls in love with an image of Artegall when seeing him in a Magic Mirror. The Before movie trilogy is a perfect example of a love that is a balance between spontaneity and self-conscious construction. 

Metafictional influence also plays a significant role in real life. Sometimes, there are two people that look to be perfect for one another. Then they are influenced to date or even marry because everyone says that they should be together. The relationship may or may not work out. I remember that there was this one girl, whom I really admired. I will call her Priscilla. She was the most beautiful girl in one social circle that I was involved in. She and this other guy, whom I will call Ray, were placed together in many same categories and so everyone thought that they should date. They did date, but the relationship just lasted for a very short period of time. As I admired Priscilla, I tried to think of whom she would be paired best with in that social circle and came up with a nice guy, whom I will call Sam. I even mentioned to Sam and Priscilla to date each other since they would go well together. It turns out that they did end up dating (I am not implying that it is or is not due to my suggestion) and even marrying!

I am all for utilizing imagination and fiction for romance. I have written to Juliet to seek answers to romantic questions. 

I always joke that I will make the perfect guy for myself out of gingerbread, but only if he would not run away from me...

As the lyrics from the Hindi song, "Meri Mehbooba" translate, please step out of the picture from my mind and come to real life!

Tribute to My Uncle, Kanamaan

For the past week, I have been coping with my uncle's fate. Kanamaan suffered a stroke on April 19th, was hospitalized in the ICU for several days, and finally passed away on Tuesday, May 2nd at 2:30 Indian Standard Time. I am right now in the emotional grieving stage, but hope to eventually look upon the situation compassionately, logically, and rationally.
When I first heard the news that Kanamaan had a stroke and was in critical condition, I was shocked. Tears would not come out, and my sorrow was bottled up. However, five days ago, tears finally came out, and I spent the day crying. It has been two days since Kanamaan has passed away, and I am still shedding tears, but hopefully will move on eventually. As I am writing this blog entry, tears are flowing out of my eyes.
Kanamaan was my father's younger brother. He was a very tender, loving, and optimistic person. My father was relating stories to me of how he saved Kanamaan's life a few times when he was a small child. My father at times still sees Kanamaan as the small child he started off seeing him as. The first time, Kanamaan fell into the river by my family's house, and my father jumped in and saved him. The second time, a cow was chasing Kanamaan and about to attack him when my father picked him up and took him away.
Kanamaan was very loving towards his family, friends, and associates, and very lovable and popular as well. He was one person that was actually demonstrative and uninhibited in love. I remember spending time with him in 2000 when we went to India for my cousin's wedding. Kanamaan made sure to spend time with me and said, "If no one is there for Pappikutty, I am there" or something along those lines. He always sees me as the baby that he first saw me as. I felt bad that I was never as demonstrative in my love towards him, but hope that he is reading this blog entry now to know how much I love him.
Kanamaan was also very optimistic. At some point in his life, he had to spend his life in Dubai away from his family in India. My mother was remarking to him how sad it was that he could not be in India for another year. However, Kanamaan remarked, "I do not see it that way. It is right now just twelve months since I can go to India and see everyone. In three months, it will be nine months. Then in six months, it will be six months. In another three months, it will be just three months. Then in another three months, I am there!"
Kanamaan was also so very loving that he would not stand any tragedy happening to any other family member. So I would like to comfort myself and others by adopting the belief that since Kanamaan would be completely shattered by another family member's death, God arranged for the order that his death be one of the first in the family. God has faith that his loved ones would have the strength to deal with Kanamaan's passing.
I have come to learn a lot through this past week. As I have been in the world for a number of years, I have had several tragedies and deaths occur. There have been deaths of other people that people would have expected me to care for, but I was not sad by those deaths since I did not on the whole care for those people. However, I have cried over and grieved certain other tragedies and deaths, such as Kanamaan's. I have found that my grievance brings to surface that all in all, I really love and care for those people involved in those tragedies or deaths. So I would really from now onwards, like to let the people that I love know that I love them while I have the opportunity. I have come to realize that despite the differences we may have between each other, I do still love those people from the bottom of the heart. So I would like to let go of my ego and patch up with fall-outs that I have had. Kanamaan may have had differences, as did everyone, but he never held any grudges and always tried to patch up. I have also epiphanized that it is more essential to treat the people well while they are still in your association than grieving them when they have passed. Life is too short to hold onto grudges.
I would like to look on Kanamaan's fate through the lens of the philosophy of the Srimad Bhagavatam. Kanamaan has advanced from a material to a spiritual existence in the universe. Kanamaan was really such a loving and giving individual that he had reached the stage early on where it was time for him to advance to this dimension of existence. Kanamaan may not be physically present in the earth, but he will eternally be spiritually present. He will be an angel watching over his loved ones and protecting them and guiding them to their ideals. The world is not a lesser place, but rather a purified place with Kanamaan's spiritual existence taking over.

Gossip Girl: The Modern Day Fairy Tale!

I became enchanted by Gossip Girl when I first started to watch it last May. I finally finished the series a few days ago. So now I can finally do justice to dedicating a blog entry to this beloved show!

Gossip Girl ended up being very different from what I thought it would be about. I thought that it would be the usual trendy, cool, modern teen show. However, Gossip Girl turned out to be a preppy, old-fashioned, yet modern, complicated fairy tale! I love all of the latter so it goes without saying that I ended up loving Gossip Girl! In addition, Gossip Girl  had another dimension that I embrace within myself: school-girl culture! Gossip Girl is far from being clichéd and contrived. Gossip Girl is a masterpiece of the screen!

I will first discuss the characters and then proceed to the multi-dimensional themes:
Blair Waldorf:

Blair is a very complicated character that cannot be described in one word. My friend told me that she is the ingénue. However, I really do not think that her character fits that description. Blair is good at roleplaying the ingénue as an outer façade to hide her true manipulative, calculating nature. She credited herself as originating the doe-eyed look to hide the true cunningness within. That is why the Wikipedia article on Blair Waldorf compares her to characters like Becky Sharp from Vanity Fair. William Makepeace Thackeray related that Becky Sharp has been considered to play the ingénue for school plays, although he portrayed her as conniving and cutthroat. Blair is much like that. She is quite self-serving, selfish, and spoiled and really makes her enemies suffer.

I am torn between liking and disliking Blair's character. I admire that she has high standards and strives for nothing short of the best. Sometimes I admire the way that she really puts her enemies in their place! However, I really hated her when she victimized her pure English teacher, Rachael Carr, when she did not get her way with her. Blair really showed herself to be arrogant and spoiled there. Some say that Blair would do anything for her friends. However, I do not see it that way. I think that she is nice to her friends, as long as it does not interfere with what she wants, and she tends to forgo friendship for her selfish needs and use friends at times. One thing is for sure, though! I love Blair's fashion sense! I am all for preppy, girly, and schoolgirl! I have emulated Blair's style.

Chuck Bass:

Chuck is another such complicated character. He would fit into the dark hero category, the homme fatale, of the romance.

It is interesting to note that in the beginning, Chuck is shown as a forceful attempted date rapist. I was shocked that such a character would turn into the hero of the show, when rape is condemned the most out of all crimes in society. However, he grows into a kind, decent human being as the show progresses. I forgive him for that lapse at the beginning of the series. :)

Dan Humphrey:

I think that Dan is the protagonist of the series, the outsider from Brooklyn looking inside the elite Upper East Side life. Dan has the typical writerly nature: lonesome, romantic, etc. It is revealed in the end that Dan Humphrey is the anonymous Gossip Girl! That says a lot about his character--that he is a writer whose writing the show revolves around and that he is very much in touch with his feminine side. Dan is just the kind of guy that I am looking for--a feminine, artsy guy. I love that he has a Cabbage Patch doll named Cedric! It would be my wildest dream to be romantically involved with a guy that liked to play with dolls. ;) Dan's kindness makes him appear attractive and good-looking. Dan is rightly called, "Lonely Boy from Brooklyn."

Serena Van Der Woodsen:

Serena has been textualized by Dan as the princess that is beautiful and unattainable. That would make her fall into the princesse lointaine category! It is true that Serena is perceived that way by Dan since she is his lifelong crush that he puts on a pedestal, as she herself notes. However, I do not think that she is really that unattainable since she has dated so many guys in the show. On the other hand, even though she is shown as a party girl out of control, she appears so serene (like her name) and at ease. I like kindness most out of all Serena's qualities.

Nate Archibald:

Nate is termed, the "Golden Boy of the Upper East Side." The name speaks for itself. Therefore, in some ways, Nate is also the type of pretty, preppy boy that is perfect for me on paper. It is interesting to note that although Nate is portrayed as the gentleman, he has engaged in a lot of reckless behavior. For example, he cheated on his virgin girlfriend by sleeping with her best friend. In addition, he had a monetary affair with a grown-up married noble heiress when he was in high school. Dan and Vanessa were shocked at the way that "Nate Archibald is a gigolo." In spite of all his flaws, however, I love Nate! I have a weak spot for preppy guys and pretty boys! ;)
Vanessa Abrams:

Vanessa is portrayed as the artsy girl of the show. I really liked how Vanessa was genuine and honest in the beginning. I felt sad when the writers turned her character into deceitful, scheming, and manipulative. I never felt any deep feelings for her, however.

Jenny Humphrey:

Jenny is, by far, my least favorite character. She is a bad imitation Blair Waldorf. I hate all of the sins she engages in, lying, stealing, dealing drugs, betraying, etc., etc. I was so happy when her annoying character was written out of the show! She really did nothing for the show except be annoying. She does not deserve the sweet Dan as her brother.
Now I will discuss the fairy tale element of the show:

Throughout the show, there are allusions to the fairy tales that the characters are living--particularly Blair. Blair comments often on the complication of the fairy tale. If we were to classify the characters, Blair would be the princess, Chuck would be the villain turned hero, Jenny would be the villain, and Dan would be the writer of the fairy tale! I think that Blair learns that she is living a fairy tale that is three-dimensional, rather than clichéd. It is interesting to note that she thinks that she finally has the fairy tale that she has dreamed of when she marries Prince Louis. However, I think that the writers are trying to portray that characters cannot be externally classified in a real life fairy tale. Chuck who appears as the villain at some points, such as his attempted date rape of Jenny and his violent attack of Blair when she is engaged to Prince Louis, turns out to be the romantic hero of the fairy tale (the metaphoric prince) when he is revealed throughout the show as Blair's true love and his dark nature evolves into maturity and purity. Prince Louis, on the other hand, turns out to be the foil that is the prince on the outside, but dark and false on the inside. The true nature of Louis's character and Louis and Blair's marriage is revealed at their wedding when Louis discreetly tells Blair that their marriage is for show. This scene signifies that Blair's perspective of a fairy tale marriage that she has dreamed of is not real, but rather just a vision, as she cannot have the "happily ever after" that she has dreamed of in a loveless marriage. An intriguing part of the show is when Dan and Blair discuss how both their fairy tales are separate, rather than one and the same. The screen focuses on Serena when Blair mentions Dan's true princess, and the screen focuses on Prince Louis as Blair's prince. Serena does end up being Dan's one and only princess. However, Louis does not end up being Blair's "prince" in actuality.

I will now discuss the schoolgirl dimension of the show:

I love how the characters go to a prep school with school uniforms! I really love wearing school uniforms. I think that the image of Blair in her Constance Billiard school uniform represents that she is an intellectual, schoolgirl at heart! It is quite fascinating that Blair suggests that her mother's fashion line emulate from the school uniform. I really love that!
I will discuss the FASHION of the show:
I LOVE LOVE LOVE BLAIR'S FASHION SENSE!!! I love bows, frills, ruffles, etc. After watching the show, I started buying a lot of headbands to emulate Blair's headband trademark. I love that Blair wears headbands in the beginning, abandons them for an extended period of time, then wears them again by the end of the show. I think that shows that the headband is an indispensable part of Blair's persona! Blair wears the headband as a tiara--to represent her wish to be a princess.

Here are some of my favorites of Blair's outfits:

I actually have a version of the above style! I love Blair's elegant, model pose.

I am so excited to be discussing the romance element of the show:
Dan and Serena: In my opinion, the show revolves around the Dan and Serena relationship. It is quite literary and metafictional. The whole show is founded upon Dan's attempt to win Serena's heart by literalizing her life as the anonymous Gossip Girl! Dan writes a story in which he is the hero to win the hand of the princesse-lointaine, Serena, after many trials and tribulations. Dan often puts his romance for Serena into his fiction writing, such as in the first story that Vanessa publishes of his; the one on his first encounter and later love with Serena. There is also his book with the character, Sabrina. I think that Dan and Serena's romance matures and blossoms as he learns to know and accept Serena for who she is--the good and the bad--rather than just placing her on a pedestal as a flawless princess. He could not have done that without his writing, however. I love how Serena is portrayed as Dan's princess in the above mentioned scene with Blair! Dan and Serena's romance is my favorite in the show! I love how the show ends with Dan and Serena's wedding. I think that proves that the show is not complete without the culmination of Dan and Serena's romance!

Chuck and Blair: Chuck and Blair's romance is described by Wikipedia as "the heart of the show." I am really glad that Chuck and Blair end up with one another as they are perfect for each other! Both are dark, scheming, manipulative, selfish, and spoiled, yet confident and strong. I also love the beginning of their romance. It is quite appropriate that their chemistry starts when Blair copulates with Chuck when she is afraid that Nate no longer loves her. Their affair brings out Blair's sexuality--an important element of the show--Blair and Chuck's duplicitous natures, and Chuck's hypersexual, seductive nature. Blair answers Muffy later that her first time was with someone she loved. I also like how Chuck, for the first time, develops butterflies in his stomach after sleeping with Blair to which Blair replies, "You know I love all God's creatures and the metaphors they inspire." Isn't that just so cute? You can read my above thoughts on the fairy tale of their affair. I think that it is really sweet that it is revealed that Chuck is the one that pays Blair's dowry to free her from the bounds of her marriage to Louis. I really love that Chuck and Blair end up marrying--in such an unconventional fashion--and raising a sweet son!

Nate and Vanessa: I really wish that Nate and Vanessa ended up together. They were sweet and brought out the best in each other. It is cute the way that Nate gets jealous when he thinks that Vanessa is flirting with the director of the Age of Innocence production.
I will now discuss the metafiction of the show:

Here is an article on the metafiction of the show: http://www.kylegarret.com/2013/01/the-metafictional-genius-of-gossip-girl.html
There are countless metafictional episodes of the show. There is the episode where Dan's story on his love for Serena is published: Season 1, Episode 11: Roman Holiday.
I like Season 2, Episode 18: Age of Dissonance. In that episode, Constance Billiard and St. Jude's put on a theatrical production of Age of Innocence, which ends up being a deconstruction of the literary work based on their real emotions!

I also like Season 5, Episode 11: The Big Sleep No More, which features Punchdrunk's performance of Big Sleep No More--evoking real life subconscious romantic and intimate feelings. 

I think that the moral of metafictional portrayal in the show is that fiction and reality depend on one other to grow and develop--that without one, you cannot have the other.