Lulu

I had written about Lulu in my earlier blog entry about friendship. Lulu is the alias that I gave one friend that I used to have, that was my strongest friendship up till then. 
When I met Lulu, we nearly instantly became best friends. She really admired everything about me, and I also really liked everything about her. I really understood what friendship was about when I met her. I had a giving nature for her and wanted the best for her, which I had never had with a friend before. 
Lulu and I had so much in common. We both loved English Literature, creative writing, acting, dancing, and all other forms of art. We were both soft and shy on the outside and emotional and passionate on the inside. We both had pasts that were tainted by being bullied by lousy people. We were both classic romantics at heart. We both were great animal lovers. We took solace in animals, being introverted with human beings. 
Since Lulu admired me so much, it really brought up my self esteem. My Mom said that we cannot thank Lulu enough for bringing up my self esteem. 
I was so flattered that Lulu liked me so much. She was my platonic soulmate. I would tell her that I hoped that my future husband would be as enamored by my every move as she. 
I truly loved Lulu more than I had ever loved anyone in my whole life. She was my primary passion in my life. I felt like I was born to be her friend.
I was always at ease when talking to Lulu. I was more comfortable with her than I have been with anyone else. I came to her in moments of catharsis, trusting her with things I would never trust anyone else with. 
The first year that we were friends, we were in constant communication. However, after that, she was not in as much communication with me or as available. I thought it was because she was busy, but that she held onto me as a priority and still cared for me. She said that everyone got mad at her for not being available and thought I would be, too. 
Six years into our friendship, we got into an argument over something, and she did something to me that was unmerited and I thought out of line. I felt like our relationship was scarred after that. I brought it up a year later, and we got into another heated argument. She revealed to me then that she only truly cared for her parents and her pets, that she did not need anyone. She said that she thought I wanted someone that was always available for me and that I merit that, but she did not think it was in her nature or comfort zone to be like that with anyone. I felt really bad then because I truly cared for her more than I have ever cared for anyone in my life. I felt like I was naïve and a fool to have trusted that she also cared for me. I also felt like a fool to not have seen through the signals that she was not available that she did not truly care for me. She also revealed then that there were unpalatable moments in our friendship, which made me wonder whether she ever really cared for me at all. I really do not like that friendship is taken for granted, and only family and lovers are valued. 
Then later we had a falling-out a month later. I realized then that she had been judging me for saying things that I trusted her with in my vulnerable moments of catharsis. I felt really foolish to have trusted her with all that. 
A friend that I had earlier in my life told me that I was too trusting and that I should not trust anyone in the world. She said that everyone is fake, except for family. I did not agree with her. However, after my experience with Lulu where she let me down, I really feel like I do not know whether I can trust anyone again.
I thought that it was good that I could give myself completely to someone, like I did with Lulu, that I could love and trust so much. I loved and trusted her without a second thought. However, now I am cautious whenever I make friends and do not know whether I should give myself to them completely or trust or love them completely (not knowing whether it can be reciprocated or will amount to anything). 
Lulu was right that I wanted a friendship, which was a priority, where both friends are always available for the other. I really would like for my friend to always be available for me to talk to and prompt in responding to phone calls and e-mails. 
I have not heard from Lulu since our falling-out over two years ago. I have e-mailed her a few times trying to patch up, but I have not heard from her since. I just e-mailed her yesterday after a very long time. It makes me sad to wonder whether I will ever hear from her again.
A part of me has moved on and made new friends since then. However, another part of me misses Lulu and feels left hanging. I really hope that someday Lulu can realize and value that I truly cared for her and loved her.