Epiphanizing During Mercury in Retrograde

This cycle of Mercury in retrograde has allowed me the chance to catharsize, self-reflect, and epiphanize. 
My good friend had directed me towards the idea that there is a lot more to me than I know about myself or show on the surface. 
I have been reflecting on a lot of happenings on my life with all that I have been undergoing through this astrological cycle. I have been utilizing the moments of non-rapport to consider how I feel at the receiving end of discomfort. 
I have come to realize that human nature (in every being) contains infinite qualities and perspectives on a spectrum. Every being has it in him/her the perspectives of perfectionism, egocentricism, humanism, etc. and the feelings and qualities that result from them. 
I honestly say that I have been in a vulnerable position while not being in the best of spirits and under the pressure to be on my best behavior. I will just react to it as the inevitable repercussions of the astrological cycle. 
I have been doing the best that I can in the vulnerable position of discomfort. I will now reflect on my association with my parents a few days ago. I was really doing the best that I could in my behavior and will give my parents the benefit of doing the same. I have come to understand that it is very hard to be on your best behavior when you are not in the best of spirits. 
I tried my best to tackle the cycle by creating space between me and others. My parents were going out to dinner to celebrate their anniversary from a few days ago. I was not in the mood to go so I told them, "I think that you both should go for a nice romantic dinner alone together." They said, "No, we want you with us." So I then said, "Okay, but I cannot guarantee that I can find it in me to be on my best behavior." They brought me along anyway. That was the start of a struggle of power dynamics. 
Throughout the trip, I deduct that they were under the pressure of their always ensuring my happiness. A friend of mine pointed out to me that a mother never wants to see her daughter unhappy. So I guess that they were under this pressure to ensure my happiness. 
Throughout the trip, I really struggled to bring out the best behavior in me that I could under all these circumstances. However, I found that often when I refused certain prospects, they would insist on them, so I conceded the second time of their request. At one point, I said to my Mom, "I would like some space when I get home." And she took it personally that I did not want to be around them. That brought me to the epiphany that people have moments, especially during vulnerability when they take  other people's words and behavior personally. That reminded me of another time with a friend that I sensed non-rapport between me and her. So I told her that I would go to another person's room for a moment. And she immediately reacted personally, "So you do not want to be around me?" 
On the trip with my parents, I really felt pushed to my limits. I said one thing once, and then when they continued in their behavior of comfort, I refrained from telling them, "Please respect my wishes," due to the fact that I had been on the receiving end of that comment from someone else at another point. That comment implicated to me then that I had not been respecting that person's wishes (another person that was then under the obstacle of a lack of peace of mind to be on his best behavior). However, I will reflect that in the trip with my parents, I really felt pushed to my limits. I did my very best to restrain my feelings and release them at the optimal time. 
That then got me around to understanding the behavior of my other friend during a moment of our non-rapport. During an argument on Facebook that we were having, she ended up blocking me out of frustration. I perceive blocking your best friend as out-of-the-line and the height of insult. However, she did not take or mean for blocking to be as bad as I did. She immediately unblocked me and reconnected on Facebook. However, that incident caused a then dent in our relationship for me. I brought it up to her another time. All that she told me then to explain the situation now makes perfect sense to me. I now understand on my end and possibly on her end why the situation then ended up as it is. 
I had earlier naively fantasized and truly believed that my friend and I were one-and-the-same; twin souls. I would express my love to her without reservation. So I tended to take liberties with her, as we tend to do with people that we have a certain level of comfort with. In taking liberties, I poured out my thoughts to her all the time, went to her all the time, and also had no qualms in asking her any questions about her personal life that I wanted to know about. I will give her credit for putting up with me throughout all the liberties that I took with her. 
My friend told me a lot of points then when I approached her to try to mend(?) the blocking incident, and I now can make perfect sense of them. The gist of what she told me is, "We are not one and the same, although that would really be great. So there will be difference between us. I blocked you because you were pushing my limits, and I felt very insulted. When someone reaches a limit, examine your prodding. Since I do not show you discomfort in our moments of non-rapport, which is nobody's fault. you get angry when I do vocalize. You have your ego, and I have mine. There are two sides to this matter; complexity, rather than a right and wrong answer." Then I continued to badger her into an apology. I now realize that she was actually right, at least in the above statement. I can at least see and own up to the fact that on my end, my behavior was due to the clash between my fantasy world and the real world, egocentrism, and perfectionism within my nature. I really perceived her and me as one and the same, as I mentioned and did the best that I could in everything, out of my natural desire to be perfect. Then my ego was pricked when a flaw was pointed out to me so I tried to defend my ego by trying to demand that I am in the right. So I unintentionally tried to make a slave out of her by pressuring her/pushing her into a corner for an apology. I need to reach peace with the fact that as hard as I try to be perfect, a world different from my ideal world will materialize; that I am bound to make mistakes, which I can use as lessons. I had the feeling that I can see both sides to have when in a fight: that I am the only one that is putting in her best behavior and trying to watch out for the other person in every way, but the other person still does not treat me the way that I want. That is what every human being will claim when in an argument or moment of difference. While settling a difference, each party tries to both watch out for himself/herself and also respect the other person's wishes. Whatever the case, it is also good to be point out differences that arise in a relationship no matter the inevitable repercussions in the prick of the ego. Someone told me that we never mean to hurt another's feelings, and that even when we do hurt that friend's feelings, it will be an indicator of the solidity of the relationship if the friendship survives it or not. I believe that everything will work out the way that it is meant to. 
I will take away from the incident with my friend: 1. I should separate the boundary between the fantasy and real world; 2. I should never take an excess of liberties with anyone, no matter the closeness of the relationship; 3. I should pay respect to the egos of both sides when settling a difference, even when I do not completely understand the other person's side. I have come to realize that I learn best through personal experience from both sides. 
It is quite common to become defensive when someone points out differences and express this defense in trying to validate yourself, which often entails invalidating the other person. 
I have also realized that when we demand an apology from the other and/or desist from forgiving him/her, it is usually because we have some subconscious awareness within that we may have been wrong in the relationship in some way. So we may want to deflect that onto the wrongness of the other. That is a defense mechanism. However, I now understand that forgiveness is more about finding peace with yourself as the victim, rather than absolving the perpetrator. 
I have been the type of person that has always wanted to have the last word in every matter by putting the other in their place. Sometimes I think over the matter later or put down the person to my friends to satisfy my ego. However, now I am starting to find peace with this need. 
I do not take constructive criticism well, which is a matter with everyone I am sure. A teacher once reprimanded me for some behavior, and then I took my time to sulk over the matter in my head, engrossed in this vulnerability. Or when a friend points out a difference or flaw, I can become defensive or take moments of silence to heal. Another reaction of mine had been earlier to apologize ad nauseam, which now I realize is pressuring the other person into forgiving me. Now I think the optimal behavior would be to apologize once and give the other person time and space to forgive me, while taking that time and space to forgive myself. I realize that we should forgive ourselves, most importantly, for our shortcomings, and that we request forgiveness from others as a means of validation from the outside. 
There was one incident with two friends, when I meant to praise one friend, but I very unintentionally hurt her feelings. I felt so bad when I hurt her feelings that I apologized non-stop and begged her not to cry (to defend my ego and repercussions of my insensitivity). That poor friend turned to the other friend for validation, which he graciously gave her and gave me the valuable advice, "Padmini, you should watch what you say." My friend took it very graciously and said, "Yes, I know that you did not mean it. I will be okay." Everything worked out the way it was meant to be when I gave her the space that I then gave her. She put it behind her. I know that it was best to have given her space, as the natural human reaction is to have a negative attitude towards someone that said something disconcerting and avoid that person. 
I have also come to realize that the majority of people take advantage of others, whether unintentionally or intentionally. There are times when people unintentionally use others as a convenience to satisfy their needs, when they see that the person is being gracious and polite. Friends have pointed out to me moments when others have stepped over me. However, I have come to realize that I have done the same to others unintentionally. For example, as a callow college freshman, I requested this nice guy to tutor me. Then since he was so nice, I kept on asking him every question I had regarding college that night that he tutored me. I should have been more sensitive and considerate to realize that I was pushing his limits. I later found that he blogged about his honest feelings about the tutoring session in his blog. I took it personally and judged him to be talking behind my back and fake. However, now I realize that he was keeping up his need to be polite and had every right to use his blog as a vehicle for catharsis. He wrote something along the lines, "This girl approached me for tutoring, and being the nice guy that I always am, I caved in. By the end of the session, my patience was wearing thin with each asinine question that she asked." I now have found peace with the matter and come to realize that I can learn from the incident to watch out the next time that I subconsciously perceive another nice, polite person as a convenient way to fulfill my self-serving needs and desires. I thank that guy for this lesson. 
I will now come to discuss the times that the evil side of human nature comes out in intentionally pushing the limits of others by testing their own limits. In bullying, other people tend to test how far they can go with the victim by continuing to push their buttons. I have blogged earlier that I have been the target of bullying. I never realized until today that I have unknowingly been a bully myself, which I apologize for. There was this person whom I did not have good rapport with so I disliked him excessively at that point. However, he treated me graciously always so I came to assume that he liked me a lot. I really was not at peace with the fact that others whom I liked so much did not reciprocate my feelings, while others whom I hated seemed to like me. I was mad and cursing out my fate. I brutally coped with this situation by being very mean to this person to pressure him into disliking me. My Mom told me, "Instead of aggressively pursuing someone disliking you, why don't you aggressively pursue someone liking you? Someone disliking you; that you leave to God." I now realize that I was so illogically and irrationally testing the limits of that person and bullying him; taking him to be a punching bag, rather than a human being with feelings. I really repent that and hope that I will treat every single person with compassion from now onwards, no matter the non-rapport between us. 

Metafictional Romance

Metafiction plays an important role in life and particularly in love. My dissertation dealt with the matter of the way in which people look to stories on living out their lives. I will thus discuss the way in which fiction/imagination influences love. 

I have been thinking for the past few days on past "loves" of my life and pondering over the way in which I fell under their spell. 

There was this cute little boy in the second grade, whom I had a crush on, based partly on a decision I made to have a crush on him. He was so very adorable, with black hair and a curl at the back of his head. I had fun in my crush on him throughout the year. I would tell my family every day about whatever interactions I had with him. I remember that one day, my Dad even told me a story about him! There was also this time during recess when we were playing the jump rope game, "Down by the valley, where the green grass grows." When it was my turn to jump rope, I was so excited to find out the boy that they would name to "come and kiss Padmini on the cheek." I was really hoping that that boy would be the one that I liked. Unfortunately, the bell rang for the end of recess, before they could name a boy for me...

Another metafictional romance for me was during the eighth grade in boarding school in India. I had come from one world in the United States where tweens dated for a day and then split to a world in India in which boys and girls did not even talk to each other. However, their form of romancing was fictitiously pairing a boy with one girl and teasing them about their "romance." I had a guilty pleasure in that game! At first, people told me, "You're so lucky that no one is teasing you, Padmini." I actually felt quite unfortunate since I would love to feel the butterflies and sparks from being teased! I was then delighted when people started to tease me with the very boy that I crushed on!

I was quite surprised to find that when I came back to high school in the United States, my classmates there--in the US, at that!--started up the game for me. One guy in my class and I were teased together for supposedly "liking" each other. I do not have much of an idea of where that came from. Regardless, I just loved being teased with that guy. I would act on the outside that I hated it, but was actually thrilled & chilled on the inside! It was the highlight of my high school days. 

Then there was another guy who was everything that I dreamed of. The more that I got to know him, the more that I found that he was everything that I dreamed of, which built up my love for him. Just like me, he wished that life could be like fiction and was always living in a fantasy world! He & I would have deep, poetic conversations on specific fiction and comparisons of our lives to that fiction. 

In one acting workshop that I attended, I had a scene partner with whom I did several romantic scenes. It actually turns out that in acting, you really have to feel the emotions that you enact, rather than faking them. So I eventually got to feeling real feelings for this guy through the scenes that we enacted together. I eventually got past that, however. Thank God!

I was having a discussion with someone who mentioned that she thinks that actors should not marry because of these complications that arise when blurring the boundary between life and art. I hope, however, to overcome those complications to do the right thing at the right time. 

There are also wonderful examples in fiction of metafictional love turning into real love. In Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare, two "enemies," Benedick and Beatrice fall in love with one another when they are manipulated to think that the other is in love with them. In La Princesse Lointaine by Edmond Rostand, Jaufre Rudel falls in love with the Oriental princess, Melissinde, when he hears descriptions of her in poetry. In The Faerie Queene by Edmund Spenser, Britomart falls in love with an image of Artegall when seeing him in a Magic Mirror. The Before movie trilogy is a perfect example of a love that is a balance between spontaneity and self-conscious construction. 

Metafictional influence also plays a significant role in real life. Sometimes, there are two people that look to be perfect for one another. Then they are influenced to date or even marry because everyone says that they should be together. The relationship may or may not work out. I remember that there was this one girl, whom I really admired. I will call her Priscilla. She was the most beautiful girl in one social circle that I was involved in. She and this other guy, whom I will call Ray, were placed together in many same categories and so everyone thought that they should date. They did date, but the relationship just lasted for a very short period of time. As I admired Priscilla, I tried to think of whom she would be paired best with in that social circle and came up with a nice guy, whom I will call Sam. I even mentioned to Sam and Priscilla to date each other since they would go well together. It turns out that they did end up dating (I am not implying that it is or is not due to my suggestion) and even marrying!

I am all for utilizing imagination and fiction for romance. I have written to Juliet to seek answers to romantic questions. 

I always joke that I will make the perfect guy for myself out of gingerbread, but only if he would not run away from me...

As the lyrics from the Hindi song, "Meri Mehbooba" translate, please step out of the picture from my mind and come to real life!