Epiphanizing During Mercury in Retrograde

This cycle of Mercury in retrograde has allowed me the chance to catharsize, self-reflect, and epiphanize. 
My good friend had directed me towards the idea that there is a lot more to me than I know about myself or show on the surface. 
I have been reflecting on a lot of happenings on my life with all that I have been undergoing through this astrological cycle. I have been utilizing the moments of non-rapport to consider how I feel at the receiving end of discomfort. 
I have come to realize that human nature (in every being) contains infinite qualities and perspectives on a spectrum. Every being has it in him/her the perspectives of perfectionism, egocentricism, humanism, etc. and the feelings and qualities that result from them. 
I honestly say that I have been in a vulnerable position while not being in the best of spirits and under the pressure to be on my best behavior. I will just react to it as the inevitable repercussions of the astrological cycle. 
I have been doing the best that I can in the vulnerable position of discomfort. I will now reflect on my association with my parents a few days ago. I was really doing the best that I could in my behavior and will give my parents the benefit of doing the same. I have come to understand that it is very hard to be on your best behavior when you are not in the best of spirits. 
I tried my best to tackle the cycle by creating space between me and others. My parents were going out to dinner to celebrate their anniversary from a few days ago. I was not in the mood to go so I told them, "I think that you both should go for a nice romantic dinner alone together." They said, "No, we want you with us." So I then said, "Okay, but I cannot guarantee that I can find it in me to be on my best behavior." They brought me along anyway. That was the start of a struggle of power dynamics. 
Throughout the trip, I deduct that they were under the pressure of their always ensuring my happiness. A friend of mine pointed out to me that a mother never wants to see her daughter unhappy. So I guess that they were under this pressure to ensure my happiness. 
Throughout the trip, I really struggled to bring out the best behavior in me that I could under all these circumstances. However, I found that often when I refused certain prospects, they would insist on them, so I conceded the second time of their request. At one point, I said to my Mom, "I would like some space when I get home." And she took it personally that I did not want to be around them. That brought me to the epiphany that people have moments, especially during vulnerability when they take  other people's words and behavior personally. That reminded me of another time with a friend that I sensed non-rapport between me and her. So I told her that I would go to another person's room for a moment. And she immediately reacted personally, "So you do not want to be around me?" 
On the trip with my parents, I really felt pushed to my limits. I said one thing once, and then when they continued in their behavior of comfort, I refrained from telling them, "Please respect my wishes," due to the fact that I had been on the receiving end of that comment from someone else at another point. That comment implicated to me then that I had not been respecting that person's wishes (another person that was then under the obstacle of a lack of peace of mind to be on his best behavior). However, I will reflect that in the trip with my parents, I really felt pushed to my limits. I did my very best to restrain my feelings and release them at the optimal time. 
That then got me around to understanding the behavior of my other friend during a moment of our non-rapport. During an argument on Facebook that we were having, she ended up blocking me out of frustration. I perceive blocking your best friend as out-of-the-line and the height of insult. However, she did not take or mean for blocking to be as bad as I did. She immediately unblocked me and reconnected on Facebook. However, that incident caused a then dent in our relationship for me. I brought it up to her another time. All that she told me then to explain the situation now makes perfect sense to me. I now understand on my end and possibly on her end why the situation then ended up as it is. 
I had earlier naively fantasized and truly believed that my friend and I were one-and-the-same; twin souls. I would express my love to her without reservation. So I tended to take liberties with her, as we tend to do with people that we have a certain level of comfort with. In taking liberties, I poured out my thoughts to her all the time, went to her all the time, and also had no qualms in asking her any questions about her personal life that I wanted to know about. I will give her credit for putting up with me throughout all the liberties that I took with her. 
My friend told me a lot of points then when I approached her to try to mend(?) the blocking incident, and I now can make perfect sense of them. The gist of what she told me is, "We are not one and the same, although that would really be great. So there will be difference between us. I blocked you because you were pushing my limits, and I felt very insulted. When someone reaches a limit, examine your prodding. Since I do not show you discomfort in our moments of non-rapport, which is nobody's fault. you get angry when I do vocalize. You have your ego, and I have mine. There are two sides to this matter; complexity, rather than a right and wrong answer." Then I continued to badger her into an apology. I now realize that she was actually right, at least in the above statement. I can at least see and own up to the fact that on my end, my behavior was due to the clash between my fantasy world and the real world, egocentrism, and perfectionism within my nature. I really perceived her and me as one and the same, as I mentioned and did the best that I could in everything, out of my natural desire to be perfect. Then my ego was pricked when a flaw was pointed out to me so I tried to defend my ego by trying to demand that I am in the right. So I unintentionally tried to make a slave out of her by pressuring her/pushing her into a corner for an apology. I need to reach peace with the fact that as hard as I try to be perfect, a world different from my ideal world will materialize; that I am bound to make mistakes, which I can use as lessons. I had the feeling that I can see both sides to have when in a fight: that I am the only one that is putting in her best behavior and trying to watch out for the other person in every way, but the other person still does not treat me the way that I want. That is what every human being will claim when in an argument or moment of difference. While settling a difference, each party tries to both watch out for himself/herself and also respect the other person's wishes. Whatever the case, it is also good to be point out differences that arise in a relationship no matter the inevitable repercussions in the prick of the ego. Someone told me that we never mean to hurt another's feelings, and that even when we do hurt that friend's feelings, it will be an indicator of the solidity of the relationship if the friendship survives it or not. I believe that everything will work out the way that it is meant to. 
I will take away from the incident with my friend: 1. I should separate the boundary between the fantasy and real world; 2. I should never take an excess of liberties with anyone, no matter the closeness of the relationship; 3. I should pay respect to the egos of both sides when settling a difference, even when I do not completely understand the other person's side. I have come to realize that I learn best through personal experience from both sides. 
It is quite common to become defensive when someone points out differences and express this defense in trying to validate yourself, which often entails invalidating the other person. 
I have also realized that when we demand an apology from the other and/or desist from forgiving him/her, it is usually because we have some subconscious awareness within that we may have been wrong in the relationship in some way. So we may want to deflect that onto the wrongness of the other. That is a defense mechanism. However, I now understand that forgiveness is more about finding peace with yourself as the victim, rather than absolving the perpetrator. 
I have been the type of person that has always wanted to have the last word in every matter by putting the other in their place. Sometimes I think over the matter later or put down the person to my friends to satisfy my ego. However, now I am starting to find peace with this need. 
I do not take constructive criticism well, which is a matter with everyone I am sure. A teacher once reprimanded me for some behavior, and then I took my time to sulk over the matter in my head, engrossed in this vulnerability. Or when a friend points out a difference or flaw, I can become defensive or take moments of silence to heal. Another reaction of mine had been earlier to apologize ad nauseam, which now I realize is pressuring the other person into forgiving me. Now I think the optimal behavior would be to apologize once and give the other person time and space to forgive me, while taking that time and space to forgive myself. I realize that we should forgive ourselves, most importantly, for our shortcomings, and that we request forgiveness from others as a means of validation from the outside. 
There was one incident with two friends, when I meant to praise one friend, but I very unintentionally hurt her feelings. I felt so bad when I hurt her feelings that I apologized non-stop and begged her not to cry (to defend my ego and repercussions of my insensitivity). That poor friend turned to the other friend for validation, which he graciously gave her and gave me the valuable advice, "Padmini, you should watch what you say." My friend took it very graciously and said, "Yes, I know that you did not mean it. I will be okay." Everything worked out the way it was meant to be when I gave her the space that I then gave her. She put it behind her. I know that it was best to have given her space, as the natural human reaction is to have a negative attitude towards someone that said something disconcerting and avoid that person. 
I have also come to realize that the majority of people take advantage of others, whether unintentionally or intentionally. There are times when people unintentionally use others as a convenience to satisfy their needs, when they see that the person is being gracious and polite. Friends have pointed out to me moments when others have stepped over me. However, I have come to realize that I have done the same to others unintentionally. For example, as a callow college freshman, I requested this nice guy to tutor me. Then since he was so nice, I kept on asking him every question I had regarding college that night that he tutored me. I should have been more sensitive and considerate to realize that I was pushing his limits. I later found that he blogged about his honest feelings about the tutoring session in his blog. I took it personally and judged him to be talking behind my back and fake. However, now I realize that he was keeping up his need to be polite and had every right to use his blog as a vehicle for catharsis. He wrote something along the lines, "This girl approached me for tutoring, and being the nice guy that I always am, I caved in. By the end of the session, my patience was wearing thin with each asinine question that she asked." I now have found peace with the matter and come to realize that I can learn from the incident to watch out the next time that I subconsciously perceive another nice, polite person as a convenient way to fulfill my self-serving needs and desires. I thank that guy for this lesson. 
I will now come to discuss the times that the evil side of human nature comes out in intentionally pushing the limits of others by testing their own limits. In bullying, other people tend to test how far they can go with the victim by continuing to push their buttons. I have blogged earlier that I have been the target of bullying. I never realized until today that I have unknowingly been a bully myself, which I apologize for. There was this person whom I did not have good rapport with so I disliked him excessively at that point. However, he treated me graciously always so I came to assume that he liked me a lot. I really was not at peace with the fact that others whom I liked so much did not reciprocate my feelings, while others whom I hated seemed to like me. I was mad and cursing out my fate. I brutally coped with this situation by being very mean to this person to pressure him into disliking me. My Mom told me, "Instead of aggressively pursuing someone disliking you, why don't you aggressively pursue someone liking you? Someone disliking you; that you leave to God." I now realize that I was so illogically and irrationally testing the limits of that person and bullying him; taking him to be a punching bag, rather than a human being with feelings. I really repent that and hope that I will treat every single person with compassion from now onwards, no matter the non-rapport between us. 

Metafictional Romance

Metafiction plays an important role in life and particularly in love. My dissertation dealt with the matter of the way in which people look to stories on living out their lives. I will thus discuss the way in which fiction/imagination influences love. 

I have been thinking for the past few days on past "loves" of my life and pondering over the way in which I fell under their spell. 

There was this cute little boy in the second grade, whom I had a crush on, based partly on a decision I made to have a crush on him. He was so very adorable, with black hair and a curl at the back of his head. I had fun in my crush on him throughout the year. I would tell my family every day about whatever interactions I had with him. I remember that one day, my Dad even told me a story about him! There was also this time during recess when we were playing the jump rope game, "Down by the valley, where the green grass grows." When it was my turn to jump rope, I was so excited to find out the boy that they would name to "come and kiss Padmini on the cheek." I was really hoping that that boy would be the one that I liked. Unfortunately, the bell rang for the end of recess, before they could name a boy for me...

Another metafictional romance for me was during the eighth grade in boarding school in India. I had come from one world in the United States where tweens dated for a day and then split to a world in India in which boys and girls did not even talk to each other. However, their form of romancing was fictitiously pairing a boy with one girl and teasing them about their "romance." I had a guilty pleasure in that game! At first, people told me, "You're so lucky that no one is teasing you, Padmini." I actually felt quite unfortunate since I would love to feel the butterflies and sparks from being teased! I was then delighted when people started to tease me with the very boy that I crushed on!

I was quite surprised to find that when I came back to high school in the United States, my classmates there--in the US, at that!--started up the game for me. One guy in my class and I were teased together for supposedly "liking" each other. I do not have much of an idea of where that came from. Regardless, I just loved being teased with that guy. I would act on the outside that I hated it, but was actually thrilled & chilled on the inside! It was the highlight of my high school days. 

Then there was another guy who was everything that I dreamed of. The more that I got to know him, the more that I found that he was everything that I dreamed of, which built up my love for him. Just like me, he wished that life could be like fiction and was always living in a fantasy world! He & I would have deep, poetic conversations on specific fiction and comparisons of our lives to that fiction. 

In one acting workshop that I attended, I had a scene partner with whom I did several romantic scenes. It actually turns out that in acting, you really have to feel the emotions that you enact, rather than faking them. So I eventually got to feeling real feelings for this guy through the scenes that we enacted together. I eventually got past that, however. Thank God!

I was having a discussion with someone who mentioned that she thinks that actors should not marry because of these complications that arise when blurring the boundary between life and art. I hope, however, to overcome those complications to do the right thing at the right time. 

There are also wonderful examples in fiction of metafictional love turning into real love. In Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare, two "enemies," Benedick and Beatrice fall in love with one another when they are manipulated to think that the other is in love with them. In La Princesse Lointaine by Edmond Rostand, Jaufre Rudel falls in love with the Oriental princess, Melissinde, when he hears descriptions of her in poetry. In The Faerie Queene by Edmund Spenser, Britomart falls in love with an image of Artegall when seeing him in a Magic Mirror. The Before movie trilogy is a perfect example of a love that is a balance between spontaneity and self-conscious construction. 

Metafictional influence also plays a significant role in real life. Sometimes, there are two people that look to be perfect for one another. Then they are influenced to date or even marry because everyone says that they should be together. The relationship may or may not work out. I remember that there was this one girl, whom I really admired. I will call her Priscilla. She was the most beautiful girl in one social circle that I was involved in. She and this other guy, whom I will call Ray, were placed together in many same categories and so everyone thought that they should date. They did date, but the relationship just lasted for a very short period of time. As I admired Priscilla, I tried to think of whom she would be paired best with in that social circle and came up with a nice guy, whom I will call Sam. I even mentioned to Sam and Priscilla to date each other since they would go well together. It turns out that they did end up dating (I am not implying that it is or is not due to my suggestion) and even marrying!

I am all for utilizing imagination and fiction for romance. I have written to Juliet to seek answers to romantic questions. 

I always joke that I will make the perfect guy for myself out of gingerbread, but only if he would not run away from me...

As the lyrics from the Hindi song, "Meri Mehbooba" translate, please step out of the picture from my mind and come to real life!

Tribute to My Uncle, Kanamaan

For the past week, I have been coping with my uncle's fate. Kanamaan suffered a stroke on April 19th, was hospitalized in the ICU for several days, and finally passed away on Tuesday, May 2nd at 2:30 Indian Standard Time. I am right now in the emotional grieving stage, but hope to eventually look upon the situation compassionately, logically, and rationally.
When I first heard the news that Kanamaan had a stroke and was in critical condition, I was shocked. Tears would not come out, and my sorrow was bottled up. However, five days ago, tears finally came out, and I spent the day crying. It has been two days since Kanamaan has passed away, and I am still shedding tears, but hopefully will move on eventually. As I am writing this blog entry, tears are flowing out of my eyes.
Kanamaan was my father's younger brother. He was a very tender, loving, and optimistic person. My father was relating stories to me of how he saved Kanamaan's life a few times when he was a small child. My father at times still sees Kanamaan as the small child he started off seeing him as. The first time, Kanamaan fell into the river by my family's house, and my father jumped in and saved him. The second time, a cow was chasing Kanamaan and about to attack him when my father picked him up and took him away.
Kanamaan was very loving towards his family, friends, and associates, and very lovable and popular as well. He was one person that was actually demonstrative and uninhibited in love. I remember spending time with him in 2000 when we went to India for my cousin's wedding. Kanamaan made sure to spend time with me and said, "If no one is there for Pappikutty, I am there" or something along those lines. He always sees me as the baby that he first saw me as. I felt bad that I was never as demonstrative in my love towards him, but hope that he is reading this blog entry now to know how much I love him.
Kanamaan was also very optimistic. At some point in his life, he had to spend his life in Dubai away from his family in India. My mother was remarking to him how sad it was that he could not be in India for another year. However, Kanamaan remarked, "I do not see it that way. It is right now just twelve months since I can go to India and see everyone. In three months, it will be nine months. Then in six months, it will be six months. In another three months, it will be just three months. Then in another three months, I am there!"
Kanamaan was also so very loving that he would not stand any tragedy happening to any other family member. So I would like to comfort myself and others by adopting the belief that since Kanamaan would be completely shattered by another family member's death, God arranged for the order that his death be one of the first in the family. God has faith that his loved ones would have the strength to deal with Kanamaan's passing.
I have come to learn a lot through this past week. As I have been in the world for a number of years, I have had several tragedies and deaths occur. There have been deaths of other people that people would have expected me to care for, but I was not sad by those deaths since I did not on the whole care for those people. However, I have cried over and grieved certain other tragedies and deaths, such as Kanamaan's. I have found that my grievance brings to surface that all in all, I really love and care for those people involved in those tragedies or deaths. So I would really from now onwards, like to let the people that I love know that I love them while I have the opportunity. I have come to realize that despite the differences we may have between each other, I do still love those people from the bottom of the heart. So I would like to let go of my ego and patch up with fall-outs that I have had. Kanamaan may have had differences, as did everyone, but he never held any grudges and always tried to patch up. I have also epiphanized that it is more essential to treat the people well while they are still in your association than grieving them when they have passed. Life is too short to hold onto grudges.
I would like to look on Kanamaan's fate through the lens of the philosophy of the Srimad Bhagavatam. Kanamaan has advanced from a material to a spiritual existence in the universe. Kanamaan was really such a loving and giving individual that he had reached the stage early on where it was time for him to advance to this dimension of existence. Kanamaan may not be physically present in the earth, but he will eternally be spiritually present. He will be an angel watching over his loved ones and protecting them and guiding them to their ideals. The world is not a lesser place, but rather a purified place with Kanamaan's spiritual existence taking over.

Gossip Girl: The Modern Day Fairy Tale!

I became enchanted by Gossip Girl when I first started to watch it last May. I finally finished the series a few days ago. So now I can finally do justice to dedicating a blog entry to this beloved show!

Gossip Girl ended up being very different from what I thought it would be about. I thought that it would be the usual trendy, cool, modern teen show. However, Gossip Girl turned out to be a preppy, old-fashioned, yet modern, complicated fairy tale! I love all of the latter so it goes without saying that I ended up loving Gossip Girl! In addition, Gossip Girl  had another dimension that I embrace within myself: school-girl culture! Gossip Girl is far from being clichéd and contrived. Gossip Girl is a masterpiece of the screen!

I will first discuss the characters and then proceed to the multi-dimensional themes:
Blair Waldorf:

Blair is a very complicated character that cannot be described in one word. My friend told me that she is the ingénue. However, I really do not think that her character fits that description. Blair is good at roleplaying the ingénue as an outer façade to hide her true manipulative, calculating nature. She credited herself as originating the doe-eyed look to hide the true cunningness within. That is why the Wikipedia article on Blair Waldorf compares her to characters like Becky Sharp from Vanity Fair. William Makepeace Thackeray related that Becky Sharp has been considered to play the ingénue for school plays, although he portrayed her as conniving and cutthroat. Blair is much like that. She is quite self-serving, selfish, and spoiled and really makes her enemies suffer.

I am torn between liking and disliking Blair's character. I admire that she has high standards and strives for nothing short of the best. Sometimes I admire the way that she really puts her enemies in their place! However, I really hated her when she victimized her pure English teacher, Rachael Carr, when she did not get her way with her. Blair really showed herself to be arrogant and spoiled there. Some say that Blair would do anything for her friends. However, I do not see it that way. I think that she is nice to her friends, as long as it does not interfere with what she wants, and she tends to forgo friendship for her selfish needs and use friends at times. One thing is for sure, though! I love Blair's fashion sense! I am all for preppy, girly, and schoolgirl! I have emulated Blair's style.

Chuck Bass:

Chuck is another such complicated character. He would fit into the dark hero category, the homme fatale, of the romance.

It is interesting to note that in the beginning, Chuck is shown as a forceful attempted date rapist. I was shocked that such a character would turn into the hero of the show, when rape is condemned the most out of all crimes in society. However, he grows into a kind, decent human being as the show progresses. I forgive him for that lapse at the beginning of the series. :)

Dan Humphrey:

I think that Dan is the protagonist of the series, the outsider from Brooklyn looking inside the elite Upper East Side life. Dan has the typical writerly nature: lonesome, romantic, etc. It is revealed in the end that Dan Humphrey is the anonymous Gossip Girl! That says a lot about his character--that he is a writer whose writing the show revolves around and that he is very much in touch with his feminine side. Dan is just the kind of guy that I am looking for--a feminine, artsy guy. I love that he has a Cabbage Patch doll named Cedric! It would be my wildest dream to be romantically involved with a guy that liked to play with dolls. ;) Dan's kindness makes him appear attractive and good-looking. Dan is rightly called, "Lonely Boy from Brooklyn."

Serena Van Der Woodsen:

Serena has been textualized by Dan as the princess that is beautiful and unattainable. That would make her fall into the princesse lointaine category! It is true that Serena is perceived that way by Dan since she is his lifelong crush that he puts on a pedestal, as she herself notes. However, I do not think that she is really that unattainable since she has dated so many guys in the show. On the other hand, even though she is shown as a party girl out of control, she appears so serene (like her name) and at ease. I like kindness most out of all Serena's qualities.

Nate Archibald:

Nate is termed, the "Golden Boy of the Upper East Side." The name speaks for itself. Therefore, in some ways, Nate is also the type of pretty, preppy boy that is perfect for me on paper. It is interesting to note that although Nate is portrayed as the gentleman, he has engaged in a lot of reckless behavior. For example, he cheated on his virgin girlfriend by sleeping with her best friend. In addition, he had a monetary affair with a grown-up married noble heiress when he was in high school. Dan and Vanessa were shocked at the way that "Nate Archibald is a gigolo." In spite of all his flaws, however, I love Nate! I have a weak spot for preppy guys and pretty boys! ;)
Vanessa Abrams:

Vanessa is portrayed as the artsy girl of the show. I really liked how Vanessa was genuine and honest in the beginning. I felt sad when the writers turned her character into deceitful, scheming, and manipulative. I never felt any deep feelings for her, however.

Jenny Humphrey:

Jenny is, by far, my least favorite character. She is a bad imitation Blair Waldorf. I hate all of the sins she engages in, lying, stealing, dealing drugs, betraying, etc., etc. I was so happy when her annoying character was written out of the show! She really did nothing for the show except be annoying. She does not deserve the sweet Dan as her brother.
Now I will discuss the fairy tale element of the show:

Throughout the show, there are allusions to the fairy tales that the characters are living--particularly Blair. Blair comments often on the complication of the fairy tale. If we were to classify the characters, Blair would be the princess, Chuck would be the villain turned hero, Jenny would be the villain, and Dan would be the writer of the fairy tale! I think that Blair learns that she is living a fairy tale that is three-dimensional, rather than clichéd. It is interesting to note that she thinks that she finally has the fairy tale that she has dreamed of when she marries Prince Louis. However, I think that the writers are trying to portray that characters cannot be externally classified in a real life fairy tale. Chuck who appears as the villain at some points, such as his attempted date rape of Jenny and his violent attack of Blair when she is engaged to Prince Louis, turns out to be the romantic hero of the fairy tale (the metaphoric prince) when he is revealed throughout the show as Blair's true love and his dark nature evolves into maturity and purity. Prince Louis, on the other hand, turns out to be the foil that is the prince on the outside, but dark and false on the inside. The true nature of Louis's character and Louis and Blair's marriage is revealed at their wedding when Louis discreetly tells Blair that their marriage is for show. This scene signifies that Blair's perspective of a fairy tale marriage that she has dreamed of is not real, but rather just a vision, as she cannot have the "happily ever after" that she has dreamed of in a loveless marriage. An intriguing part of the show is when Dan and Blair discuss how both their fairy tales are separate, rather than one and the same. The screen focuses on Serena when Blair mentions Dan's true princess, and the screen focuses on Prince Louis as Blair's prince. Serena does end up being Dan's one and only princess. However, Louis does not end up being Blair's "prince" in actuality.

I will now discuss the schoolgirl dimension of the show:

I love how the characters go to a prep school with school uniforms! I really love wearing school uniforms. I think that the image of Blair in her Constance Billiard school uniform represents that she is an intellectual, schoolgirl at heart! It is quite fascinating that Blair suggests that her mother's fashion line emulate from the school uniform. I really love that!
I will discuss the FASHION of the show:
I LOVE LOVE LOVE BLAIR'S FASHION SENSE!!! I love bows, frills, ruffles, etc. After watching the show, I started buying a lot of headbands to emulate Blair's headband trademark. I love that Blair wears headbands in the beginning, abandons them for an extended period of time, then wears them again by the end of the show. I think that shows that the headband is an indispensable part of Blair's persona! Blair wears the headband as a tiara--to represent her wish to be a princess.

Here are some of my favorites of Blair's outfits:

I actually have a version of the above style! I love Blair's elegant, model pose.

I am so excited to be discussing the romance element of the show:
Dan and Serena: In my opinion, the show revolves around the Dan and Serena relationship. It is quite literary and metafictional. The whole show is founded upon Dan's attempt to win Serena's heart by literalizing her life as the anonymous Gossip Girl! Dan writes a story in which he is the hero to win the hand of the princesse-lointaine, Serena, after many trials and tribulations. Dan often puts his romance for Serena into his fiction writing, such as in the first story that Vanessa publishes of his; the one on his first encounter and later love with Serena. There is also his book with the character, Sabrina. I think that Dan and Serena's romance matures and blossoms as he learns to know and accept Serena for who she is--the good and the bad--rather than just placing her on a pedestal as a flawless princess. He could not have done that without his writing, however. I love how Serena is portrayed as Dan's princess in the above mentioned scene with Blair! Dan and Serena's romance is my favorite in the show! I love how the show ends with Dan and Serena's wedding. I think that proves that the show is not complete without the culmination of Dan and Serena's romance!

Chuck and Blair: Chuck and Blair's romance is described by Wikipedia as "the heart of the show." I am really glad that Chuck and Blair end up with one another as they are perfect for each other! Both are dark, scheming, manipulative, selfish, and spoiled, yet confident and strong. I also love the beginning of their romance. It is quite appropriate that their chemistry starts when Blair copulates with Chuck when she is afraid that Nate no longer loves her. Their affair brings out Blair's sexuality--an important element of the show--Blair and Chuck's duplicitous natures, and Chuck's hypersexual, seductive nature. Blair answers Muffy later that her first time was with someone she loved. I also like how Chuck, for the first time, develops butterflies in his stomach after sleeping with Blair to which Blair replies, "You know I love all God's creatures and the metaphors they inspire." Isn't that just so cute? You can read my above thoughts on the fairy tale of their affair. I think that it is really sweet that it is revealed that Chuck is the one that pays Blair's dowry to free her from the bounds of her marriage to Louis. I really love that Chuck and Blair end up marrying--in such an unconventional fashion--and raising a sweet son!

Nate and Vanessa: I really wish that Nate and Vanessa ended up together. They were sweet and brought out the best in each other. It is cute the way that Nate gets jealous when he thinks that Vanessa is flirting with the director of the Age of Innocence production.
I will now discuss the metafiction of the show:

Here is an article on the metafiction of the show: http://www.kylegarret.com/2013/01/the-metafictional-genius-of-gossip-girl.html
There are countless metafictional episodes of the show. There is the episode where Dan's story on his love for Serena is published: Season 1, Episode 11: Roman Holiday.
I like Season 2, Episode 18: Age of Dissonance. In that episode, Constance Billiard and St. Jude's put on a theatrical production of Age of Innocence, which ends up being a deconstruction of the literary work based on their real emotions!

I also like Season 5, Episode 11: The Big Sleep No More, which features Punchdrunk's performance of Big Sleep No More--evoking real life subconscious romantic and intimate feelings. 

I think that the moral of metafictional portrayal in the show is that fiction and reality depend on one other to grow and develop--that without one, you cannot have the other.

Video Logging (Vlogging)

For the past few days, I have been fascinated by a number of different YouTube vlogs. It is magnificent the way that technology is expanding day-by-day and catering to art and self-expression!

Technology is providing closer access and connection to knowledge and a person's inner being. We are able to get to know and interact with a person more and more through YouTube channels. 

There are several YouTube vloggers that I have been exploring:

1. Tess Christine: https://www.youtube.com/tesschristine

I came across Tess Christine when searching for dressing like Blair Waldorf. Tess Christine has an amazing video on getting the Blair Waldorf look for less!

I really love the help that she provides on getting such amazing clothing for reasonable fashion! I also really like her makeup tutorial on replicating Blair's "dewy, glowy skin." I really hope that I can attain such skin. 

I also like Tess's video on achieving the Blake Lively/Serena from Gossip Girl look:

Before watching this video, I did not know that people apply different colors from the eyeshadow pallet on their eyes at the same time. I think that is really neat and would like to try the exact Blake Lively makeup look that Tess guides us through at some point! I also love the name of the lipstick, Airy Fairy by Rimmel London. So I think that I will be buying it at some point. 

I also think that Tess looks like a cross between Blake Lively and Leighton Meester. I even thought it was the actress that played Blair in the Blair video. She is that professional!

I really like all of Tess's beauty routines. I will take the input from them for my own beauty regimen. 

Another video that I like on Tess Christine's channel is on how to dress like Ariana Grande: 

I can never get enough of this video! I love how Tess emulates Ariana's quirky, girly, glamorous style. I especially like the parts about adding in false eyelashes and wearing oversized sweaters as dresses and wearing shorts underneath. 

I would love to meet Tess in person and befriend her, and she coincidentally lives in New York. So that might actually be possible.

2. Maria's Makeup Xo: 

Maria is a high school teenager, but I have found that I can learn a lot from her. She is really wise beyond her years and sophisticated! If only I could have been quite as mature and wise as she was as a teenager. 

I also found Maria when searching for how to dress like Blair Waldorf: 

I love all of the makeup that Maria applies and the way that she applies it. I also love her replication of Blair's schoolwear and floral skirt in the second outfit. I really appreciate the song playing during the display of the second outfit. 

I also like Maria's "What's in My Purse" video:

I am really struck in this video by how poised, charismatic, entertaining, fun, and sophisticated Maria came across! I really like the red purse, especially the handle at the top, and wish that I could find it for myself. From this video, I learned that I should always keep a keychain and chewing gum in my purse. Maria inspired me to make my own "What's in My Purse?" video. 

I also appreciate Maria's "High School Advice" video: 

The video portrays that Maria is really very wise for a high schooler and has a good head on her shoulders. I especially appreciate her advice on taking off a mental health day, which is as important as taking off a medically unfit day. That is a progressive way of looking at life. 

Another video that I keep on watching over and over is "New Year's Pep Talk/ Tea Time":

Words cannot express how touched I am by this video! I find it amazing the way that Maria knows so much about positivity and loving yourself at such a young age! It is what I have grown up to learn. I also very much like her unique advice to always wear red lipstick. 

I also think that it is sweet that Maria connects with us by drinking tea. 

It is very wise that Maria made a video on all the little things that make her happy: 

We should always list the things that make us happy so that we can have it to back up our spirits at times. I think that it is sweet that Maria is a real hugger! I really feel like I would get along with such a loving girl. 

The last video that I will discuss is Maria's milkmaid tutorial video: 

I would love to learn how to make all sorts of braids, and it would be awesome to look like a French milkmaid!

3. Claudia Norris: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbO2mpZfAPqal4ZmQh7kqlg

Claudia Norris is an awesome young singer. I encountered Claudia when looking for "What's on My Bookshelf?" videos. 

Here is Claudia's "What's on My Bookshelf?" video: 

Claudia has amazing contemporary popular taste in fiction, which inspired me to also get in the loop with contemporary popular fiction! I particularly want to read Fairest of All: A Tale of the Wicked Queen by Serena Valentino, The Treasure Map of Boys by E. Lockhart, A Great & Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray, and Wild Things by Clay Carmichael. 

I also want to get a pink version of The Holy Bible. I found that I already have The War of Art at home so I should start to get to reading it. 

Claudia is a girl after my own heart, in only buying books in the hardcover format!

I also like Claudia's 21 questions video: 

I admire that Claudia would want to be an actress if not a singer and that she would want to play Blair Waldorf! I also like that Claudia states that we should all invest money into buying the right sized bra. I think it is sweet that Claudia has her Mom read out all the questions. It is ingenious that Claudia has a birthday cake with candles at the end. 

4. Anna in Wonderland: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheAnnainWonderland

Anna is a PhD student living in the UK. So I find it interesting to get a relatable perspective from a fellow PhD intellectual scholar. I think that is amazing that Anna is doing a dissertation on Diary of Anne Frank. I love Anne Frank and the diary form. I would also say that her YouTube channel on Diary of Anne Frank is a metadiary. 

I appreciate Anna's "What's on My Bookshelf?" videos: 

Here we have a look into the intellectual makeup of a scholar. I find it intriguing that Anne Frank had an original and uncensored edition of her diary. 

I have similar tastes to Anna in classical, imaginative, dreamy literature, such as Alice in Wonderland. 

Alice in Wonderland is obviously the roots of Anna in Wonderland's perspective. 

I appreciate that Anna has an annotated version of The Secret Garden, which I would also like to buy some day. 

Additionally, I admire Anna's video on doing a PhD in the UK:

I really appreciate the PhD career and the UK so this is perfect for my tastes! I admire very much that Anna chose to do a PhD in the UK on Anne Frank, as opposed to the US. 

5. Fleur de Force: https://www.youtube.com/user/FleurDeForce

Fleur de Force is a beauty and fashion vlogger from the UK. I really want to buy her book, The Glam Guide, which I believe is a blog-to-book. 

I appreciate Fleur's "Summer Glow" video:

I also appreciate Fleur's video on fashion from ASOS, Primark, and TopShop:

I love Fleur's hairstyle in this video. I think that it is a milkmaid braid actually.

I need to watch more of Fleur's videos in detail so that I can comment more on her. 

6. Sprinkle of Glitter: https://www.youtube.com/user/Sprinkleofglitter

Louise Pentland is actually a friend of Fleur's living in the UK. I just have to get her book, Life with a Sprinkle of Glitter from the UK!

The book actually has glitter on it, which does not come off! That's the spirit! 

I like Louise's video, "Let's Talk About Sex":

I appreciate that Louise thinks that the right first time is unique for everyone and sees advantages and disadvantages in both saving yourself and having several partners. I agree that your partner should be someone that you like/love and can connect with.

I was very touched by Louise's video on her pink hair story: 

It is sweet that Louise cares so much for her late mother and wants to tribute her with her pink hair. 

I also think it sweet that Fleur, Louise, and this other Internet identity, Zoella are such good friends, meeting through YouTube. Here is a video on their friendship:

7. Dulce Candy: https://www.youtube.com/dulcecandy

Dulce Candy is an Internet beauty and fashion celebrity. She has quite an interesting life story! I love her rise to fame. And I love her sweet name!

I appreciate Dulce's video on "Draw My Life": 

After watching this video, I learned that drawing one's life is actually pretty common for YouTube vloggers. I think it is pretty neat the way it is outside-the-box. 

I also like the video on Dulce's makeup collection: 

I think that it is AWESOME that Dulce has a room full of makeup. I did not even know that people used drawers to store makeup before watching this video. I would one day like to have as much makeup as Dulce. 

8. Michelle Phan: https://www.youtube.com/michellephan

Michelle Phan is a big Internet celeb, but I have just watched some of her videos so far. 

I like Michelle's video on "Romantic Blush": 

I love the idea of making yourself up in the romantic mood. It is sweet the way that she starts out her video, "Want to show that your eyes are in love?" Eyes are the window to the soul after all. 

9. Bethany Mota: https://www.youtube.com/bethanymota

Bethany is a very young Internet beauty and fashion celebrity that makes a lucrative income through vlogging. When I looked at her channel, I could definitely see why she is so popular. 

I love this video on Bethany's Japan trip: 

It is really very impressive that Bethany was so successful that she was granted a trip to Japan!

I also love The Carrie Diaries fashion video: 

I love young Carrie Bradshaw's style, especially her personalized purse. 

After watching all these vlogs, I have been inspired to start vlogging as a profession myself. I think that vlogging is a great way to open yourself up and communicate with the world. I will be starting a YouTube channel on beauty, fashion, lifestyle, and books. I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!